


Life Begins After Losing At A Drinking Contest While Marriage Begins At The Bed

by yatagarasu (leelhiette)



Series: The Couple Who Shares Strawberry Milk and Mayonnaise With Each Other Stays Together [1]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Accidents Happen, Attempt at Humor, Drama, Gintoki-Centric, Implied Sexual Content, It's one issue after another, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), Not a lot of romance but these two just get along really well, Post-Canon, Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:13:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 34,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24508216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leelhiette/pseuds/yatagarasu
Summary: A drinking contest that led to life-changing decisions being made.(Or Gintoki learns to never let his so-called friends join him for drinks ever again.)
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki
Series: The Couple Who Shares Strawberry Milk and Mayonnaise With Each Other Stays Together [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2116770
Comments: 105
Kudos: 475





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, I'm gonna be posting another one. It might be the last story for the last couple of weeks because I might need to report for work next next week. Since I've been posting long one-shots, I figured I'll post a multi-chapter one.

To be honest, it was his fault for letting himself get carried away.

Ever since things had calmed down after they'd destroyed the remnants of the Tendoshuu, Gintoki had been drinking a lot.

At first, his only companion was Katsura and both men would share a quiet toast for the loss of their beloved teacher and comrade when he wasn't busy playing the departed Joui patriot. Acknowledging that while they hadn't managed to save what they wanted to and even ended up losing another friend, they also gained back something from it. Those quiet nights didn't stay between them for long before Katsura was pulling Elizabeth and, surprisingly enough, Kondo after him.

Ever since they'd worked together to make way for the new government, Katsura and the Shinsengumi had an ongoing truce and had a beneficial working relationship. Because of this, Katsura could now walk in broad daylight without being arrested at every turn until he donned on his ridiculous Oba-Z guise.

Gintoki still couldn't decide if he liked that particular change or not.

It wasn't long before the quiet turned into a loud and chaotic one.

Kondo had invited his men along, told Otae about it, and on some nights, they had drinking parties at Otae's cabaret club with all his other friends.

It was because of this routine for the past few months that Gintoki didn't really find it odd that he ended up drinking at a bar with Kondo, Katsura, Hijikata, Okita, and even Sakamoto. Though, his choice for companions could really use an improvement. As it was, he was already knocking back his third glass of sake. All of them were seated surrounding a round table and he was situated between the gorilla and Katsura with Sakamoto, Hijikata and Okita in that order.

"Otae-san hasn't changed at all!" Kondo was crying as in his hands. "I thought that after all the times I've trained in their household, she would've been so impressed of my skills as a househusband that she'd keep me around." He sobbed out as Okita patted his shoulder apathetically.

"Women are really hard to understand even after extensive research," was what Katsura had to offer into the discussion.

"Of course, you won't understand, Zura. Your tastes in women differ directly from Tendo-san." Sakamoto laughed loudly before staring at the curious Shinsengumi officers. "Unless this Otae-san is older than him, lives alone in a house, and is a widow, I'm afraid that you won't be getting anything informative out of him." He casually revealed as he laughed again, chugging on a glass of alcohol and completely oblivious to the stunned, if not revolted, glances now being directed at his comrade.

"You don't understand, Sakamoto." Katsura retorted with a flat look, ignoring the stares. "Those women had a lot of stories to offer, something that can only be told from experience." He crossed his arms and nodded sagely at this.

Hijikata snorted.

"Why isn't this really surprising?" He seemed to murmur to himself before turning to Sakamoto. "Besides, aren't you in the same boat as Kondo-san? One of Otae's girls kept filing complaints against you." The vice-commander narrowed his eyes at the brunet.

"Oryou-chan did?" Sakamoto gasped, obviously his first time hearing about it.

"Oi, oi, if you keep bringing that kind of trouble, you'll bring that gorilla woman's wrath on you." Gintoki felt the need to point out, knowing that not enough money would be able to appease Otae one day.

"What are you talking about, Kintoki?" The brunet waved off with a chuckle. "I'm sure Oryou-chan would come around." He grinned as he knocked back another glass.

Okita blinked at Sakamoto as if seeing him for the first time before turning to Gintoki.

"So, you have that kind of idiot too." He deadpanned as he patted a crying Kondo's back for emphasis.

"Eh, you're talking about me, Sougo?" The gorilla sniffled rather pathetically.

"Don't lump me in with these morons," Gintoki groaned in dismay. "It's bad enough to be seen with them but to be put in the same category? You're hurting Gin-san's feelings, Sofa-kun." He grimaced.

Katsura slung an arm around his shoulder. "Nonsense, Gintoki. What are friends for?"

Sakamoto copied him and flung his arms around Katsura and Hijikata.

"Zura's right!" He chortled, ignoring Katsura's reflexive correction of his name, as he leaned closer to an uncomfortable Hijikata. "Besides, we're always glad to make friends with Kintoki's other friends. Isn't that right, Toshi?" Sakamoto continued grinning despite the nonplussed vice-commander pushing his arm off irritably.

"Oi, cut that out–" Gintoki sighed in annoyance as he shook off his own deadweight.

"Who are you calling Toshi?" Hijikata growled.

"You, of course!" Sakamoto seemed a bit confused. "Who else is Toshi here?"

From the vice-commander's other side, Okita grinned.

"Are you that drunk already, Hijikata-san?" He drawled because he obviously felt the need to be a little shit. "That you forgot your own name? Shame on the vice-commander for being such a lightweight." The sadist further egged on.

"But you haven't even had a whole bottle yet," Sakamoto, the ignorant idiot, didn't notice the fuel he added to the fire as Hijikata's face steadily darkened beside him.

As if just waiting for an opportunity, Kondo sprang back into the conversation.

"No way!" The gorilla denied vehemently. "Toshi's the heaviest drinker we have in the Shinsengumi! His alcohol tolerance is nothing to sneeze at! He once even managed to drink Totsan under the table!" He boasted proudly while said man he was bragging about looked heavily embarrassed and appeared torn between wanting to impart bodily harm to shut him up or simply getting up to remove himself from the situation.

From Gintoki's other side, Katsura smirked back at the commander.

"Well, back in our youth, Gintoki was always the one who could outdrink the whole troops and still be coherent enough for more." The man prattled on and patted Gintoki's shoulder like a proud mother. "Do you mean to say that Hijikata would be a match for him?" Katsura's voice dipped low with skepticism.

"Oi, Zura, don't get me involved in this shit–" Gintoki tried to say while Okita's eyes glowed, clearly enjoying where this was going.

"Of course!" Kondo gamely responded, standing up from his seat to march behind Hijikata and placed his hands on his shoulders like a coach presenting his prodigy. "He's obviously no match for Toshi!" He proclaimed smugly.

"Before Gintoki discovered his diabetic addiction, his piss was practically alcohol from all his drinking spree!" Katsura countered heatedly while Gintoki twitched in annoyance.

"Well, before Toshi discovered mayo, he made congee out of rice and sake, his breath used to reek of it!" Kondo was quick to retaliate.

Ugh, why were these two so ridiculous?

"I don't think those are things to be proud of, not that they're even true in the first place," Gintoki muttered under his breath.

Hijikata facepalmed.

"Kondo-san, this has got nothing to do with me–" He gritted out as he removed himself from the gorilla's grip.

"Are you saying that you're scared of losing to danna?" Okita innocently put in. "It's fine, we won't judge you too much, Hijikata-san," His expression said that he really would, though.

Gintoki glared at the brat as Hijikata fumed.

_Oi, I know what you're trying here, Okita-kun! Gin-san's not gonna fall for that!_

However, Sakamoto slung an arm around the vice-commander again and turned to face the silver-haired samurai with a shit-eating grin.

"You should go easy on Kintoki," The brunet laughed, completely unaware of the inferno he was unleashing. "He's not the same youth as before." He didn't even seem that perturbed when Hijikata threw him off once again.

That finally decided it.

"Like hell I'd lose to this bastard!" Gintoki and Hijikata slammed their empty glasses on the table, glaring at each other.

**oOo**

His predicament started out like this.

Gintoki groaned as light seemed to drill its way through his eyelids, giving him no choice but to grace the world of the living once again. Though, he wondered if he slept on the wrong side of his futon because the sun came from his left when it would usually wake him from his right. Blinking sluggishly, he found his hand patting above his head for his Justaway clock in order to tell the time since, for some unfathomable reason, Shinpachi hadn't woken him up yet.

Instead of getting ahold of a clock as he couldn't seem to find it, his hand closed around a small carton.

Bringing it up to his face, he frowned.

"Mayoboro…?" He murmured under his breath as he read the label.

For a blissful ignorant minute, Gintoki stared.

Then he carefully returned it from where it came from. A headboard.

Slowly, very slowly, his gaze swept around the western-styled room and finally took in the situation he found himself in properly. One, this obviously wasn't his room. Two, he was _naked_ as he felt his crotch directly grazing the duvet when he shifted. Three, his mouth tasted like someone died in it. Four, the lower half of his body felt suspiciously numb and exhausted. Five, his clothes were haphazardly discarded by the corner of the room along with another person's.

Lastly, _he wasn't alone_.

This last reason was what made him freeze, déjà vu chilling his veins.

 _What happened last night?_ Gintoki attempted to recall through the headache while trying to quell in the panic that wanted to set in. This couldn't be happening again. No, no, _no_. He hadn't drunk that badly ever since that incident. Not after he'd become the laughing stock of everyone for weeks. This better not be another setup, damn it! Gin-san was a changed man, give him a break for God's sake!

Though, his head mechanically turned towards his companion and saw a bare shoulder followed by a head of familiar straight black hair.

 _Oh_ , his mind seemed to turn sluggish as he tried to process what he was seeing.

Staring a lot longer, Gintoki also noticed other details about this one that he hadn't quite managed to have done the first time he'd been in this kind of situation. There were those suspicious little things that littered the person's back. They still looked a bit raw as if someone had taken the time to inflict pain.

_Are those bite marks? Oi, oi, Gin-san isn't into that kind of play!_

Okay, now was the time to hyperventilate.

"W-What the fuck happened last night?" Gintoki fretted as he cradled his aching head between his hands.

As if just hearing his voice was enough, the person next to him shifted and groaned, making him stutter to a halt. Should he stay? Should he run? Should he pretend he was asleep? Play dead? Commit seppuku? What? _What?_ When the other turned to lay on his back, Gintoki gulped at the rather noticeable hickey on the man's collarbone. Just looking at it made his lips burn and all the blood he had left to gather in his face.

He went out drinking with the idiots last night. Katsura and Kondo had made bets on who between their aces could outdrink the other. It was Okita who'd been pouring drinks for them all. Pouring and _pouring_ that made the event start to become hazy. He remembered smashing an empty sake bottle on Sakamoto's face as they left him at that bar while they went on to the next one. Katsura and Kondo had knocked themselves out there and Okita had been the one to drag the gorilla home.

Gintoki and Hijikata stayed and went to another bar, already drunk on their asses but refusing to back down. For some reason, the memories after that wouldn't come forth and his headache was killing him.

"Kill me now," Gintoki whimpered.

"That's my line, asshole." A rough voice cut in, making him flinch in surprise.

Gintoki's lips quivered.

"I think I angered some God out there," Hijikata declared blandly, not moving an inch. "Because I'm pretty sure that whoever that shit is, I'm clearly being punished right now." He continued while taking in deep measured breaths, the ones people did when trying to delay an onset of panic attack.

"What the hell are you on about?" Gintoki rounded on him with a scowl. " _I'm_ the one clearly being punished here!" He yelled before falling quiet as the volume set off his headache once again.

"Well, you didn't sound like it last night! The way you insist on calling me 'Toshirou-kun! Toshirou-kun!' like a nutjob certainly didn't give that impression!" The vice-commander shot up to glare at him however, the man winced and grimaced once he was sitting up.

Gintoki stared again because apparently, he didn't just leave one but _a lot_ of hickeys were littering the bastard's torso.

 _Ugh, could you not face me for a second, you bastard?_ Then remembering the bite marks across the other's back, he instantly discarded the thought and wished that some sort of spaceship would crash down on earth and land on his head to give him amnesia. Hijikata seemed to sense his staring because as soon as he caught on to where Gintoki's gaze was fixated, the blush that started up from his chest steadily climbed up his neck and face until the vice-commander was practically glowing.

It was the first time he'd seen such a reaction from the man.

Something suddenly occurred to him. "What do you mean I called you by–" He couldn't say it without his tongue failing him so he gestured with his hand frantically. "–your name?"

Gintoki didn't know that the bastard could get any redder but he was proven wrong.

"You kept on shouting it at the bar when you complained about Sakamoto calling me Toshi," The man grunted as he avoided his gaze.

_Don't go acting shy all of sudden on me, damn it! It's making me nervous!_

Before he could deny anything of the sort to the mayo-freak because that wasn't something be jealous about, _come on_ , Hijikata suddenly made a move to stand up and pulled on the duvet to cover himself. However, in doing so, it would leave Gintoki stark naked. So, naturally, he pulled back on the blanket urgently.

"Hey, what the hell?!" His voice rose an octave.

"Let go, perm head!" Hijikata glowered as he tried to cover himself.

"No way!" Gintoki vehemently refused as he pulled again. "And leave Gin-san and his junior exposed instead? Nuh-uh, especially not for you bastard!" He stuck out his tongue childishly for good measure.

For some reason, the gesture seemed to make the vice-commander flustered because he hastily threw the remaining parts of the duvet over Gintoki's head. Spluttering, he swiped the offending material off his face and saw the other had grabbed the pillow to cover his genitals while he still got a full view of the man's ass. This time, Gintoki felt the blood draining from his face as his eyes took stock of the hand-shaped bruises on Hijikata's hips and the way said man was _stumbling_ over to their clothes.

 _No freaking way!_ His brain screeched to a halt. Loading error. Unable to compute. Brain malfunction. _Just how wild did our night get?!_

If he wasn't seeing it with his own eyes, Gintoki wouldn't believe that someone was capable of ravaging the Demon Vice-Commander of the Shinsengumi. What was even more dubious was that that someone could be _him_. The rest of the memories still eluded his brain but his lips tingled as if recalling the way of how it burned its path across hot skin. His throat had gone dry and he covered himself more thoroughly as something started to stir in his groin.

"Stop staring at me, goddamn it!" Hijikata shouted as he started dressing in his boxers and yukata rather clumsily, his ears red.

"Who would want to stare at your ass! Not Gin-san! D-Definitely not staring!" Gintoki retorted rather nervously, averting his gaze and _trying_ not to stare. "What the hell? Is this another prank? Is that it? Am I being tricked again?" He chuckled hysterically as his head pounded.

"Shut up already!" The vice-commander snarled as he threw Gintoki's clothes on his head.

"Are you working with Zenzou, is that it?" He demanded as he yanked the clothes off his face. "It was hell the first time around and I'm warning you, I only have closet space in my apartment if you suddenly decide that you want me to take responsibility for you–"

"I'm not a fucking woman, idiot!" Hijikata's face darkened as he threw the pillow at the silver-haired man's face who ducked frantically.

"Hey, watch the fuck out! That pillow was just on your crotch a minute ago!" Gintoki shrieked at him, beyond mortified while the dark-haired man paled before glowing bright red again.

They fell into awkward silence.

"H-Hey," Gintoki called out tentatively. "W-What happened last night?" _Did we really have a sausage party? Did Gin-san become the katana to your scabbard?!_

The silence stretched.

It only served to make him even more anxious.

"I don't remember much." Hijikata admitted quietly as if he was ashamed about it. "After the next bar, I think we went to some…party? It's pretty muddled up here." He gestured to his head as he massaged his temples the way one did when warding off migraines, leaning back against the wall.

"Does your–" He paused, trying to think of a way to ask the question that needed to be asked. "–you know, does it hurt?" His voice had dropped to a whisper as his cheeks warmed.

"My what?" The vice-commander stared at him in confusion.

_This is not the time to be stupid, mayora!_

"You know," Gintoki gestured towards Hijikata helplessly because _don't make him say it bastard_.

"No, I don't know." The man deadpanned at him.

"The place where a man sheathes his sword." He returned just as dryly.

Though, if he was hoping that Hijikata would suddenly grow some common sense and save them both from the embarrassment, Gintoki was clearly mistaken as the bastard's head swiveled around the room frantically before the man let out a quiet sigh of relief upon seeing his sword resting on the wall near the door right beside Gintoki's bokutō. His eye started twitching in annoyance as he processed the scene. S _tupid, stupid._

He snapped. "I meant your _ass_ , does your _ass_ hurt, you moron?!" He roared angrily and watched the blood drain from the vice-commander's face.

"W-Who the fuck are you calling a moron?" Hijikata stuttered just as furiously but the way he wouldn't meet Gintoki's gaze was telling.

 _Oh my God, somebody stab this man for me, please._ Realizing how that particular thought could be taken the wrong way, he shook his head wildly. _No, no, I meant_ kill _him. Not that kind of stab, goddamn it! Gah. What have we done?! How much did we drink last night?!_

Before he could really freak out, Hijikata staggered a bit as he pushed off from the wall and glared at him. This would've been effective if his cheeks weren't flushed and he didn't have trouble properly meeting Gintoki's gaze. As it was, it only served to heighten the awkwardness of the situation they found themselves in. For that matter, how the hell did they end up here again? Hijikata was right though, there was some party at the last bar–

"Let's just pretend this never happened." Hijikata seemed to have finally found his voice as he stared intently at Gintoki's forehead.

"That's more than fine by me, bastard."

**oOo**

That was what he'd said but it had already been a week since then and the memories of their passionate night started to haunt Gintoki at unexpected moments.

For example, he was in the middle of taking a bath after he got back to his place that day when he became aware of the stinging sensation on his back. It wasn't until he'd turned around to take a look in the mirror that he saw the scratch marks. If that wasn't bad enough, his brain chose that moment to dump the info of how Hijikata sounded like gasping to him _how good it felt_ and _faster, idiot_ and he promptly had to turn the water cold.

After that, other things started to trickle in and Gintoki now had pieces of just how _eager_ they'd been at it. Like he was his sixteen-year-old hormonal self once again.

It wasn't the whole picture but it was enough to tell him that something _did_ happen.

They'd really gotten ahead of themselves because he was now certain that it wasn't one of Zenzou's pranks. This time, Gintoki could somewhat remember actually having sex with the person. With Hijikata Toshirou of all people. And fucking _enjoyed_ it. It was hell.

 _I can call you Toshirou-kun, right?_ His voice echoed in his mind, practically a purr.

Without further ado, Gintoki proceeded to slam his head on his desk repeatedly until he could at least try to erase that particular memory from his brain through blunt trauma.

"Gin-san, what are you doing?!" Shinpachi shrieked at him in alarm.

"Trying to give myself selective amnesia," Gintoki paused, raising his head to stare at Kagura who was seated at the sofa and eating a bowl of rice. "In fact, why don't you help out, Kagura-chan? You've got some pent-up anger for me all these years, right? Gin-san is now willing to take it on. Just bash my head right here, just hard enough to rattle the brain–" He pointed right at his forehead.

"Or give you major brain injury! What's gotten into you?" The glasses-wearing teen cut in as he glared at him from where he sat across the Yato.

"Gin-chan," Kagura turned her impassive gaze on him. "Does this have anything to do about why Zura's crying outside our doors last night?" She demanded blankly, squinting at him suspiciously.

Ugh, the moment he'd seen who was his late-night visitor, Gintoki had mercilessly slammed the door on his face. To be honest, he couldn't remember what Katsura had been blubbering about but he now realized that maybe he shouldn't have been hasty in brushing him off. But the sight of that wig highlighted the night that he'd been trying to forget and his hand had moved on its own. Still, if he wanted answers, he would need to confront Katsura sooner or later.

"What are you talking about?" He feigned ignorance as he dug his pinky through his right ear. "That idiot's always up to no good. Kagura, remember that letting in suspicious wigs before midnight will bring bad luck to our doors. They will invade your home or forcefully use you like a pokemon to battle against gorilla trainers." He imparted his bit of wisdom as he tried to think of a good payback for that idiot who started all this mess.

"Did something happen between you two?" Shinpachi was sharp as always.

"Again, what are you talking about?" Gintoki deadpanned. "You don't get to ask Gin-san questions. All you need to know is how to hide a body after I finish him off." He drawled blankly.

" _What?!_ " The teen exploded as he shot to his feet. "What are you even trying to make us do, you psycho?! Something really did happen, didn't it?"

_You don't need to know what Gin-san and his junior has been up to, Patsuan. It'll make your virgin ears bleed._

Before he could speak any further, Kagura cut in. "Zura was saying something about you owing him because you left him with the bill when you went out drinking. Shame on you, Gin-chan. You had him paying for you while you went on without me? I want to be treated to some good quality Korean barbecue, yes?" She frowned at him disapprovingly, clicking her tongue as she went back to her egg-on-rice.

"That's your issue?!" Shinpachi demanded incredulously before turning to Gintoki. "And _you_ just want to erase your debt!" He accused angrily.

"He's supposed to be some sort of departed spirit already, right? Then I'm just gonna make sure that he'll depart from this world properly." Gintoki declared matter-of-factly, meeting Shinpachi's appalled gaze with his dead one.

"Are you even hearing yourself?!"

Just as he was about to debate the merits of them helping Gintoki in killing off Katsura for good, a knock on the door effectively distracted them.

"Go get that, Patsuan." Gintoki ordered as he turned his chair around. "If it's that idiot again, feel free to pull off the wig on his head that he calls hair. For that matter, I'll give you 300 yen if you can stab him where it hurts the most." He yawned to his hand.

"What about if I punch him between the legs, will you give me that 300 yen, Gin-chan?" Kagura asked eagerly as the knocking continued.

"Sure, sure." He waved her off encouragingly over his shoulder.

"You will do no such thing!" Shinpachi warned irritably as his footsteps got fainter to probably see who their guest was.

However, as if their visitor had gotten fed up of being polite, there was a loud bang followed by Shinpachi's screech of alarm. Next thing Gintoki knew, he was staring at his damaged window along with the remains of his door which missed his head by a mere margin. Faintly, he thought that Katsura was too well-mannered to be destroying other people's houses. Another was that if he'd just shifted his head a bit to the left, he could've gotten that head injury to develop amnesia.

_Damn it._

Swiveling around in his chair to face the intruder, Gintoki raised an eyebrow at Mutsu's impassive face.

"That door was just repaired three weeks ago," He silently despaired. "Repairs aren't cheap, you know?" He sighed as massaged his temple and gestured for her to take a seat.

She graciously did so, occupying the sofa across Kagura while Shinpachi cautiously took the space beside their female member.

"I'm looking for my idiot boss," Mutsu declared impassively.

"Haven't seen him," was Gintoki's immediate reply, ignoring the curious looks being directed at him by the teens.

"Last time I saw his face, he was bragging about getting drinks with you and Katsura," The Kaientai Vice-Captain retorted just as swiftly, eyeing him shrewdly from beneath her sedge hat. "It means you were the last to see him." She reasoned bluntly.

"Then go look for Zura because the last time I saw your idiot boss, he was barely conscious and drunk on his feet at a bar." Gintoki saw no reason in mentioning how he'd practically knocked out the brunet after the man had started mixing the drinks and generally making a nuisance of himself for the other patrons, the main reason why they had to relocate to another bar to finish off their drinking contest.

"I hadn't been able to get ahold of him," Mutsu stated flatly as she stood up, seemingly realizing that Gintoki really had no idea about Sakamoto's whereabouts either. "We were supposed to disembark last night because we had a business deal to close. I've delayed long enough for him. If you happen to see his ugly mug, you can go sell him to pay for the repairs of your door." With those words, she strode towards the exit.

Gintoki scrambled to his feet and chased after her.

"Oi, damn it! You can't just go around destroying other people's houses as you please!" He yelled after her, annoyed now, and almost crashed into her when she suddenly halted.

"You can take it up to him when you see him," The way she stared at him over her shoulder was challenging.

At that, he grimaced. He'd rather not.

"Then, I'm off." She bid to him and stepped out.

**oOo**

In the end, they did end up looking for the idiot three days later.

Not because Gintoki was particularly concerned about him, seeing as the man was resilient in the most annoying ways. But because he was going to wring that idiot dry for all the grief that he and Katsura had caused him. It helped that he hadn't seen hide nor hair of Hijikata ever since that day, not that he was looking forward to seeing him. _Before_ , maybe, because the vice-commander occasionally let himself be needled into treating Gintoki to lunch when he wasn't too busy or be roped into an argument or two for the hell of it.

The awkwardness of how they last met still sat within him so that option was out.

"Damn it. I'm really gonna kill Sakamoto." He grumbled to himself as he waited for the light to turn green. "Oi, ojii-san, if your friends are responsible for one of the worst days of your life, isn't it your right to kill them?" He impulsively demanded from the truck driver beside him.

"A-Ahh," The man behind the steering wheel fumbled at suddenly being addressed. "Isn't murder an extreme option?" He tried.

"What happened was _really_ bad." Gintoki emphasized with a sweep of his hand. "Unless someone gives me amnesia, it's going to haunt me for the rest of my life. It's not just me either. They got this other poor sap involved too." He scowled at the reminder because as much as he wanted to pin all the blame on Hijikata, he still remembered how he'd let himself get carried away in the competition.

"Then you should make them own up to their mistakes," The man nodded sagely as if it was that simple.

"Yes, I already know that." He waved his hand off nonchalantly. "That's common sense. It's something I'll do right before I go committing homicide." He continued rather blithely, completely ignoring the wary, if not outright terrified, look the other was giving him.

"W-What about the other person? Doesn't he get a say in it?" was the frantic question.

"I'll be doing him a favor by never bringing it up to his face," Gintoki slammed down that route before it could lead to more questions.

"So, it happened between the two of you? That your friends were responsible for?" The man clarified almost hesitantly.

"You catch on quick, ojii-san." He praised him, looking at him in a new light and maybe he could get the justification he needed in killing off those two because Shinpachi had been making a big deal out of it without knowing the full situation. Not that he'd let anyone know.

"Oh," The truck driver suddenly looked relieved. "Did you use protection?"

"Of course, we–" His head snapped to the old man in horror. "Where did you get that from?!" He demanded but before he could do anything, the light turned green and the driver floored it. "Oi! What part of what I said implied that?! I never said anything about being _that_ involved!" He screamed as he gave chase with his scooter, feeling inexplicably nervous at the sudden turn of conversation. _Were old people always this dirty-minded?!_

Once he was beside the driver's door, Gintoki gave it a fierce kick.

"Oi, we're not done talking, ojii-san!" He declared rather angrily.

"You're looking at the wrong thing!" The old man yelled back at him. "Your friends are only looking out for you. Instead of plotting your way to prison, why don't you give that poor sap your attention instead?" He reasoned as if that was the most logical answer.

What? _What?_ How did killing Sakamoto and Katsura lead to this conversation?!

"What part of what I said are they looking out for me?!" Gintoki screamed in frustration as he tried to give another kick and missed, almost toppling off of his scooter.

"I've been there, young man!" The old man sniffled as his hands noticeable tightened over the wheel. "Believe me when I say that you're looking at the wrong thing!" He insisted as if it was Gintoki who needed to open his eyes.

Before he could further scream himself hoarse about how utterly wrong the old man was, Gintoki hadn't noticed the light turning red at the next intersection. So, he was caught off guard when a car suddenly appeared in his path and he was forced to swerve to the side with a yell. Thankfully, there was no collision this time as he didn't have the funds to pay for car repairs however, his sudden change of direction sent him and his scooter veering towards a post at breakneck speed.

Obviously, he crashed.

**oOo**

Aside from his peace of mind and scooter, he actually made it out in one piece with only a gash on his brow.

The old man had been kind enough to bring him to the hospital. Not that Gintoki was coherent enough to actually thank him for it or consider ripping off his balls for that rather bizarre conversation before he got a face full of concrete, especially when the truck driver disappeared as soon as Gintoki was taken care of. As it was, the doctor had cleared him once his X-rays had come out to tell them that he hadn't broken anything important.

So, here he was at the nurse station about to discharge himself with gauze plastered over his left brow and eye.

"Please sign here, Sakata-san." The nurse, Kozue-chan, pointed to the bottom of the clipboard.

"Yes, yes." He absentmindedly did as he was told, already thinking of stopping by Gengai's place to have his scooter repaired.

Before he could excuse himself, the nurse suddenly perked up as she typed something into her computer.

"Ah, wait a moment, Sakata-san. I need you to sign some more paperwork," She sheepishly requested as she continued typing, eyes flickering over the screen before she shuffled towards the printer while Gintoki wondered what this was about, seeing as the usual routine he'd developed every time he needed to visit here was already ingrained and he never had to sign additional paperwork before.

"Eh?" He blinked when she handed him heft of papers with his medical record staring at him from the top. "What's this?" His visible eye narrowed in suspicion, wondering if he was subjecting himself to a body modification or human experimentation without his knowledge.

"You need to sign there as verification of your update in records," She chirped at him with a smile.

"Oi, oi, what update in records?" He mumbled to himself as he scanned the documents.

Was this because he disappeared from Edo for two years? Sure, he still hadn't gone to his monthly check-up yet seeing as he hadn't wanted to verify the current status of his sugar levels because Shinpachi was limiting his intake for the past couple of weeks. No need to give the glasses more reason to deprive him of his love.

Though, he paused once his eye caught something amiss.

For a moment, Gintoki stared. Then he flipped the paper once and flipped it back, trying to see if what he saw would change. _It didn't_.

He tried to rub the letters with his thumb to see if he could deliberately change it. Nothing.

"A-Anou, Kozue-chan, what is _this?_ " Gintoki pointed out that particular tidbit nervously, feeling sweat gather in his brow and palms.

"That's what we got from the new ID system," The nurse answered rather cheerfully while Gintoki's eye started twitching as he stared at his newly printed medical records. "Isn't it very efficient since you wouldn't need to reapply for the paperwork for every legal transaction?" She proclaimed like it was supposed to be good news for him. The new ID system was one of the new projects of the Prime Minister to help smoothen the management of Edo citizens' registration system.

While it normally would be a good thing since that sounded like it would make life easier for him, he couldn't help but stare at one crucial line.

Civil Status: _Married_

"Y-You're kidding," His whole face was twitching now, feeling the blood draining down to his feet along with his mental faculties.

"That was just put into the system about–" She paused as she stared at something on the screen of her computer. "–five days ago! This was so recent! Congratulations on your marriage, Sakata-san!" She seemed to glow in genuine happiness for a minute before turning glum. "Tch, I can't believe that people younger than me are getting married while I'm still stuck here at the hospital with no boyfriend." Kozue muttered under her breath as she turned away from him.

"Well, you can have my spouse then." Gintoki blurted out, trying to rack his brain what he'd been doing five days ago or earlier.

Kozue's face darkened.

"Are you making fun of me, Sakata-san?" She asked blankly, turning eerie impassive eyes towards him. "Are you making fun of my totally unstimulating lack of romance and therefore marriage at this age?" Her voice seemed to deepen.

"N-No, ma'am!" He stuttered and slammed the unsigned paperwork onto the counter. "But I need to confirm something first, okay? BecauseIdon'trememberevergetting _married_!"

With that, he ran like hell out of there.

**oOo**

Right after he was done screaming once he got out of the building, Gintoki was already more than halfway to the nearest Edo Ward Office when he remembered that he'd left his ruined scooter behind.

Well, screw that! He'd come back for it later because, right now, he had to rectify what must be a _mistake_. It had to be a mistake! His lack of change in name meant that he'd given _Sakata_ to some poor soul out there. More than that, he couldn't recall getting married in the past few weeks or so. Gin-san would know something like that, right? He would know if he ever tied the knot with someone, right? He wasn't that irresponsible, right? _Right?_

Once the quaint building came into view, Gintoki wasted no time in stomping inside.

Thankfully, there were little to no people lined up at this time of the day because his issue was urgent and he wouldn't hesitate in physically charging his way to the front. He approached the nearest desk to his right where a young woman was managing the line for _Family Registry_.

"I want to see the copy of Sakata Gintoki's family register," Gintoki demanded as he slammed his hand on the table.

The woman was unfazed as she plucked a sheet of paper from her desk and slid it towards him. "Please fill out this form, provide a copy of your valid identification and indicate that you want to request a Certified Copy of your family register which will cost around 450 yen." She recited to him in what was probably her best customer voice because there was hardly any twitch to her expression.

He wasted no time in filling up said form, thankful that he hadn't wasted a yen yet on the pachinko parlor because he'd soon be kicked out before he could pay the fee.

Though, he could also request for the Certificate of Acceptance but the 'marriage' felt more final if it was recorded in his family register. If it wasn't, he could just go hunt down the Ward Office where he and his mysterious spouse had been registered to be married and either get them to cancel it since he didn't remember receiving a notification in his mail or find some way to file a non-contested divorce.

Because unless his spouse turned out to be Ketsuno Ana, there would be no way on this godforsaken earth he was going to accept that he was married to anyone else.

The processing took less than fifteen minutes which was made smoother by the new registration system.

"Here you are, Sakata-san." The woman handed him an envelope.

Wasting no time, he tore the seal and immediately searched for the recorded event of his 'marriage' from the papers.

Upon sighting it, his blood ran cold. He'd really gotten married. What the hell?! Looking at the name of his spouse, he felt like _puking._

For there stated in the certificate was–

Name of Spouse: _**Tatsuma**_

"I'm really gonna kill that idiot," He muttered under his breath, chuckling hysterically as he collapsed on the chair by the woman's table, there were no other clients anyway. No freaking way. Though, how the hell did this happen?! His brain wouldn't betray him so why the hell was he staring at this atrocity? Even drunk on his ass, there was just no fucking way that he'd even consider marrying that man on any universe.

For some reason, he could already imagine Takasugi laughing at this mess somewhere out there. If wherever Sakamoto ended up didn't kill him first, then Gintoki would force him into committing seppuku to save his honor.

Wait a minute. He blinked.

The date of marriage was more than ten years ago. He stared at his name once again.

Name: Sakada Chintoki

 _What_.

WHO THE FUCK?!

Rereading the line properly, he spluttered incredulously.

Name: Saka _da_ _Chin_ toki

"OI!" He turned to the woman behind the desk and pointed out the name at the head of the family register. "This is Saka _da_ _Chin_ toki-kun! I didn't request for his files! His last name isn't even read the same as mine! I requested for Saka _ta_ _Gin_ toki!" He enunciated slowly, just to make the name stick. Because he didn't pay 450 yen for this kind of service! He was just about to have a heart attack thinking that he'd married a loud idiot!

"Ah, I see." The woman remained unfazed as she went back to her computer. "I'll reprint your family register right away, Sakata-san."

_Gin-san is going to give this branch bad reviews! You hear me?! I won't give your service any stars!_

It took another ten minutes before she handed him another batch of papers. Though, after the unwanted shock the first time around, Gintoki was careful to inspect if it was really his family register this time. His name was the only thing on it seeing as he had no recorded blood parents or siblings or any immediate family. That wasn't anything new. It didn't deter him as his eyes immediately landed on the marriage section.

He, for some unfathomable reason, had really been married to someone five days ago.

Name of Spouse: _Toshirou_

"What the fuck," His eyes widened because he only knew of one person who had that name.

* * *

_**TBC.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My cousin's explanation about marriage in Japan is a bit vague so I had to do a bit of research from limited resources, applied what I can, but it's not necessarily the process in real-life modern day Japan since this is Gintama whose advancement is beyond anything with the Amanto. So, please don't hate if I got other things wrong. Also, how they got into this situation will be explained in later chapters (which I'm already halfway done).  
> Note:  
> Certificate of Acceptance for Notification of Marriage is actually something handed to the couple after they registered their marriage or what has been explained to me. So, this was what Gintoki was referring to receiving in his mail.  
> And any major events (birth, marriage, death, divorce) are recorded in the family register after it was done so this was the best place to start.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Hope you liked it so far! We'll get to see more of Hiji next chapters. :)


	2. Chapter 2

" _Yorozuya!_ "

Hijikata's furious roar made Gintoki drop his chopsticks in surprise. After the unwelcomed revelation yesterday, he'd holed himself up in his home in a bout of denial after barely remembering to go back for his damaged scooter. But no matter how much he'd crumpled and uncrumpled the paperwork of his new family register, it still indicated the same addition. He'd married someone named _Toshirou_. That same Toshirou who was angrily standing outside and banging on the shoddy repair of his front door.

Wait, if they really got married, should he really be still calling him 'Hijikata'? _Wait_. Wait a goddamn minute! Why the hell was he acknowledging being married to that mayonnaise freak?!

"Gin-san, what did you do?" Shinpachi was quick to turn on him.

"Why does it have to be my fault?" Gintoki asked sullenly, offended even as he dropped on all fours and crawled his way to hide. "For that matter, why don't you be a good employee and tell him that Gin-san's not home? Actually, tell him that I took a long vacation in another planet to do some sugar trade and I'll probably be back in about ten years?" He whispered to them as he went around a sleeping Sadaharu and stashed himself inside the bottom portion of the closet.

"You obviously did something," was what the glasses insisted as he eyed him suspiciously before Gintoki slid the door closed.

For a moment, Gintoki laid still and listened closely as Shinpachi bustled around before his footsteps grew fainter and neared the entrance where the pounding continued.

"Good afternoon, Hijikata-san." Shinpachi greeted their unexpected guest politely.

Loud thumping steps made itself known in the office and Gintoki could almost imagine the bastard forcing his way past the teen. _Ugh, that's trespassing, moron._ Though, now that he thought about it, this was the first time he'd heard from this man ever since their night together. For the past few days, Gintoki had been dreading seeing him again but the revelation yesterday only made it worse than it was. If this was a game of hide-and-seek, then Hijikata would be 'it' forever.

"Where the hell is that bastard?!" The vice-commander growled, a promise of murder in his tone.

"Is that any way to behave in someone else's home?" Kagura drawled blandly and the sharp clack of her bowl meeting the table echoed. There was a pause. "At least you didn't forget to bring snacks this time, yes? So, the queen will forgive you this one time, Toshi." She huffed loudly in that little imperious way of hers and he could imagine her turning her nose up at Hijikata like the entitled brat she'd always been.

Wait, did she mention _snacks_ –?!

There was the sound of someone taking deep breaths.

"Where's your boss?" came Hijikata's milder question, obviously having heeded her words followed by a small thump as if he'd taken residence on the sofa.

_Oi, why the hell are you listening to her?_

"You just missed Gin-san," Shinpachi cut in as his docile footsteps returned. _Thank you, Patsuan._ "So, while he's not here, what did he do this time, Hijikata-san?" He sounded all business-like, as if he was bracing for bad news and that absolutely ticked Gintoki off.

"That perm head owes me an explanation." Hijikata gritted out, evidently incensed.

_Why me?! I'm also the victim here, you bastard!_

Although, come to think of it, hiding out like this seemed like he was guilty of something. Not that he was!

"Explanation about what?" Kagura demanded after an audible swallow of food.

"I-It's something that we need to settle between ourselves first," The idiot stumbled over his words and Gintoki didn't know what kind of expression the man was making. _Oi, you're going to make them suspicious!_ "That's why I really need to _talk_ to him." He declared firmly but Gintoki knew him long enough to distinguish between his work voices where he would just really like answers or he would be stabbing first. It was definitely the latter this time.

"Can't you really tell us anything?" Shinpachi sounded concerned but Gintoki knew he was just fishing for information. "Maybe we can help." He added for good measure.

For a while, the man stayed silent.

"Maybe I can just show you." Hijikata eventually conceded.

Gintoki's eyes bugged out as he heard the sounds of shifting cloth. _What the hell are you going to show them?!_ Though, he got increasingly nervous as the shifting sounds continued followed by suspicious thuds. He was now really tempted to take a peek but knowing Hijikata, give him an inch and the bastard would take a mile. He'd be busted in no time and Gintoki would rather not deal with him at the moment.

There was stunned silence.

"I think I'm gonna puke." Kagura immediately remarked followed by the sound of gagging.

"H-Hijikata-san," Shinpachi shakily called out, sounding noticeably shaken. _Oi! What did you show them?! The marks should've been gone by now! That isn't something you should be showing to kids!_ "I sincerely apologize for him. I-I don't know what to say but this is a new low, even for him." This statement was followed by the suspicious sound of choking too, intermingling with Kagura's own sickening retching noises.

"Now, do you get it?" Hijikata insisted.

"Give Gin-chan your worst," The Yato intoned bluntly, absolutely merciless.

 _Oi!_ This bastard was making Gin-san look bad here! For that matter, _what did that nicotine-addict show them?!_

There was the sound of shifting cloth once again followed by a thump of feet.

"Anyway, tell that stupid perm that I'm looking for him when you see him." The vice-commander sounded calm now as if tarnishing the kids' view of Gintoki had significantly lifted his mood and knowing him, it probably did. "I have to go back to patrol." He announced gruffly, leaving just as abruptly as he'd arrived if by the sound of heavy stomps was any indication.

"A-Ah, yes. I'll see you out then." Shinpachi fumbled as his footfalls moved towards the entrance.

Gintoki waited until he heard the very audible slam of what remained of his front door. For a blissful minute, Gintoki held his breath before letting out sigh of relief once Shinpachi's feet treaded back to the office. Though, the two teens were still suspiciously silent and he wondered how he was going to explain whatever Hijikata had showed them. As it was, it couldn't be anything that bad, right?

Though, he really needed to talk to people because getting married without his knowledge didn't just happen. He needed to know whose heads he was going to crack open.

Having enough of the quiet, Gintoki slammed the closet door open and climbed to his feet.

"Oi, whatever that bastard showed you–"

Once he saw the sole occupant of the office, he started sweating nervously.

"Yo," Hijikata greeted him with a wide toothy grin, seated on the sofa facing him and sword already unsheathed and clenched tightly in his hand. "You sure took your time, _honey_." His words were practically dripping with vitriol as his steel blue eyes glinted menacingly in the noticeable absence of everyone but them.

"W-Welcome home?"

**oOo**

Gintoki ducked as the edge of the blade whistled above his head, taking a few silver strands with it.

"Hold still, you dipshit!" Hijikata snarled as he swung down again which Gintoki barely managed to block with his bokutō, pushing the bastard back with a shove. Though, he gasped as a foot caught him on the chest and he staggered back towards the edge of the sofa. They'd been like this for the past fifteen minutes and the bastard absolutely refused to listen to anything he said! He couldn't get a word in when the vice-commander was hellbent on cutting him down.

He choked on an aborted shriek when the dark-haired man almost stabbed his crotch, standing over him by the sofa.

"Do you have any last words?" Hijikata questioned, staring at him with eyes worthy of his demonic moniker.

"Do you really want to end up as a widower?" were the words that got past his mouth before he could properly filter them.

If anything, that seemed to make the man more enraged as he gnashed his teeth. However, instead of trying to stab him once again like Gintoki thought he would, Hijikata pulled the sword out of the floorboard and collapsed on the floor across from him. Gintoki firmly rested his eyes on the man's face before his eyes could roam elsewhere and be reminded of _things_. It wasn't that he'd had a one-night stand that was awkward but that he'd had that one-night stand with someone he knew, whom he already had a fixed dynamic with. It added complications.

"Goddamn it, I really ought to _kill_ you." The vice-commander rubbed a tired hand over his face. "Did you know?" It sounded more like an accusation than a question.

"Of course, I didn't!" Gintoki immediately denied, offended. "I wouldn't even know if I wasn't brought to the hospital yesterday and apparently had my records updated." He groaned in dismay as he leaned back towards the sofa.

"Why were you brought to the hospital?" Hijikata suddenly latched on to a different subject, staring at him with furrowed brows.

"Got into some fight with some old geezer." He left it at that and refused to elaborate because that would just give the bastard more reason to go after his head and end up arresting him, thankful that the gauze had already been removed. "Besides, I already checked my family register. How did _you_ know?" He asked as he sifted through the fold of his yukata and tossed the crumpled paperwork at the other.

Hijikata's face steadily shifted to a dark glower as he read the uncrumpled certificate. Though, as if having processed the question, his hand clenched around the hilt of his sword once again and Gintoki shifted his bokutō defensively in front of him.

The silence that followed was strained.

Hijikata then took something from the inner pocket of his coat before throwing it at Gintoki's face.

Catching it was a reflex and he had to immediately open his hand just in case the bastard decided to toss an explosive to his face, even if the size was too small. He stared at it curiously once he deemed it safe as he lowered his wooden sword. It was a rather familiar cylindrical casing and seeing the _inkan_ stamp within the container made him pale. Especially, upon closer inspection, the seal for ' ** _Sakata_** Toshirou' greeted him.

It was one thing to suspect but it was another seeing it with his own eyes.

_If any God really exists, please make this into a terrible nightmare and I swear on my job, my remaining yen and my stash of pudding that I'll never go drinking again._

He would kill Katsura. He would kill Sakamoto. Then he would repent.

"All the paperwork and forms that I've signed for the past five days were sent back to me last night," Hijikata gritted out as he loosened his hold on his weapon with obvious difficulty, the intent to kill perm-headed samurais still projected in his eyes. "Apparently, my seal was already outdated. Finally opened the mail sent by the ward office that I didn't get to check before. Turns out it was the notification for marriage _and_ my updated family register."

Oh, that's why he didn't receive it in his mail. Figured that they'd send it to the Shinsengumi instead because the vice-commander had a name change. He eyed the man warily, wondering if he had to defend his balls again. Which he thought he would do after their night together. Still, they had an agreement. It _never_ happened. Period.

"I'm angry that I have to redo all that work again," The vice-commander spoke in a chilling voice that Gintoki knew was usually reserved for Katsura back in the old days. "But what I'm more annoyed about is that why did _I_ have to change my name? Why the fuck did _I_ have to take _your_ stupid name?" And if looks could kill, Gintoki would already be six feet under before diabetes could get ahold of him.

 _Don't say it like it's so bad, damn it,_ came the disappointed thought before he forcefully banished it.

"It's a respectable name! Besides, I didn't even want to give it to you in the first place!" Gintoki retorted thoughtlessly before staring at the still drawn Muramasha nervously.

Instead of shedding his blood though, the man just sheathed his sword.

"Then next time, don't give it away so carelessly." Hijikata told him, much calmer now for some reason.

"H-How did it even happen?" Gintoki questioned as he lightly closed the stamp casing and gingerly placed it on the low table.

_Oi, this is worse than Zenzou's prank! Tell Gin-san that this is a joke! Somebody?! Anybody?!_

"That's what we're going to find out." Hijikata (or was it Sakata now? _Toshirou_? No, no, _no_. Still Hijikata, then.) declared as he stood up and stomped towards him, grabbing him by the back of his collar and dragged him towards the door.

**oOo**

"By the way," Gintoki said in the tense silence between them. "What did you show those two?"

What could be so traumatizing to garner such reactions like that from them?

The two men were actually on the way to the last bar they'd been at before ending up at that hotel that they'd never been to. The memories from their drinking spree were still blurry but nothing in them indicated _marriage_ of all things. Though, considering that he'd been more occupied with, ahem, other memories, it wasn't that surprising. With that said, Hijikata had been an eerily silent shadow by his side ever since they got out of his house and it was starting to unnerve him. _Just a bit_ , okay?

"When I entered your place, I saw your bokutō." Hijikata said and Gintoki winced, knowing that he almost never went anywhere without it. _Damn, he got me_. "So, I tried to tell your kids not to give me away. I showed them my _wallet_ and had to pay them to get out of the house. The act was all on them. Otherwise, I won't have the privacy to talk to you." He revealed as he pulled out one of his cancer sticks to light it up, taking a long drag right after.

Besides, privacy to talk his ass! It was more like the bastard wanted no witnesses when he tried to _murder_ Gintoki earlier.

Also, _how could you two deceive Gin-san like that?!_

They better be enjoying that money because he wouldn't be sharing a single yen after their next job.

Another silence stretched.

Staring at Hijikata from the corner of his eyes, he squinted as he saw the black strands sticking up oddly at the back of the man's head. Though, he immediately faced forward when Hijikata turned to him suspiciously, having sensed his gaze. After a few more meters, Gintoki found his eyes straying to those strands again. Had that been like that earlier? He hadn't noticed considering that he was too busy defending his life.

Hijikata was mostly always so put together that it was new seeing him with something silly like this.

As they turned a block, they crossed paths with a couple of female teens who giggled once they noticed the case of bedhead the vice-commander was sporting.

 _Oi, did no one tell you about it once you got out of the barracks?_ Gintoki thought in irritation because once he spotted it, he found it hard to ignore.

His eyes focused on their path, noting the new shops that had been built in his two years of absence and the old shops that remained in order to distract himself. Oh, that dango shop was still standing as he absently waved to the old man's daughter who enthusiastically returned it. See, the store that sold the bastard's cigarettes and that fateful lottery ticket was also there. Ah, there was a new yakitori shop that he hadn't seen before and the aroma emanating from the establishment was appetizing. There was a display of sweets–

–and he caught sight of Hijikata's bedhead once again through the reflection of the window.

_Ignore it. Ignore it. Ignore it–_

Hijikata turned to look at the new convenience store the next corner and Gintoki got a full view of the messy strands.

Damn it.

Without really thinking about it, Gintoki's feet brought him closer to the vice-commander as his hand reached out to the annoying dark locks that refused to stay down. What he was doing hadn't really sunk in until his fingers combed through those silky tresses in order to pat them down. Focused as he was, he didn't see it coming when his hand was slapped away and Hijikata was now staring back at him in surprise as the man cradled the back of his head.

They ended up stopping in the middle of the road.

"W-What the hell are you doing?!" Hijikata demanded with wide eyes, cheeks flushing.

"Oi, I just fixed that!" Gintoki merely retorted in annoyance as he leaned closer and pulled the bastard's hand away in order to flatten out the strands, _it was so annoying, damn it_. "Oi, I just said–" He scowled when his hand was slapped away _again_.

"Y-You're too close!" Hijikata declared furiously as he snatched his hand back, the blush spreading across the bridge of his nose.

Gintoki paused. Noted that he was indeed way closer than necessary, less than a foot away from the bastard's face, and jumped back a meter away in a panic.

"I-I wasn't doing anything inappropriate or something like that!" were the defensive words that came out of his mouth as he flailed. As he said, _complications._ "Just fix your damn hair! I thought you're the one supposedly with straight hair then why are you copying Gin-san's perm?" He pointed accusingly at him because when in doubt, shift the blame on someone.

"Then just tell me about it next time like a normal person, shitty perm!" The vice-commander growled as he hastily patted the back of his head.

There was still that lock that still stubbornly stuck out. It was mocking him. He just knew it.

"Oi, there's–" Gintoki pointed at the bastard's head rather uselessly.

"I get it!" Hijikata flattened the strands but that wisp of hair _refused to stay down._

"It doesn't like your hand!" He argued irritably and watched as the other continued his rather frustrating game of controlling his hair to no avail. "Damn it, _let me–_! We're wasting enough time as it is!" He declared impulsively as he took a step closer.

However, he halted as the tip of Hijikata's sword met his sternum.

"No, leave it. And fucking stay where you are, pervert." The bastard insisted as removed his hand from his head and the tuft poked out just as annoyingly as the first time when Gintoki first took notice of it. Seriously, it was irritating the hell out of him.

"Where the hell did that come from?" _Oi, we already agreed that nothing happened! Nothing!_

"Shut up!"

A passing old lady gave them weird looks, no doubt because of the scene they were making. Not his problem.

"Oi, that baa-san just laughed at you!" Gintoki jeered mockingly as his face scrunched up with exasperation while Hijikata whirled around to stare at the old woman's back. "See, she was totally judging you just now because you refused to fix your hair!" He clicked his tongue.

"She wasn't laughing at my hair!" Hijikata argued hotly. "She was laughing at– at your stupid face! What's with _you_?!"

"Your hair is irritating me!" Gintoki admitted in frustration.

" _Fine_ ," The man sheathed his sword once again, thank God, and turned his back on Gintoki as his ears reddened like that time– _no_ , nothing happened. "If it will make you shut up, then fix it. But if you do any funny business, I'll cut you up, you hear me?" He threatened and it would've been effective too if Gintoki couldn't see the flush that had climbed up his nape and the way his shoulders were set rigidly. Why was the bastard so nervous?

Still, _finally_ , he could put down that annoying tuft once and for all.

He cautiously stepped closer to Hijikata and pressed down his hand on that lock of hair to flatten it. It still stood back up. His eyes narrowed. Gin-san was going to get serious. So, he did the usual thing he did when trying to tame Kagura's bedhead on certain mornings. Nothing worked like a good old-fashioned balm to the head. With that said, he spat on his palm and tried to flatten it again. This time, the lock was no match for his spit that had withstood even a Yato's hair.

"There," Gintoki declared triumphantly as he took a step back, already wiping his hand on his yukata.

Hijikata turned to him and brought up a hand to his hair–

"Did you just–?!" The bastard's face scrunched up in disgust.

"It did the job, didn't it?" He countered indignantly.

" _Yorozuya!_ "

**oOo**

When they arrived at the bar by midafternoon, Gintoki was sporting a bruised cheek.

Though, he took satisfaction at the sight of Hijikata's split lip. He'd already let the bastard get whatever anger out in his system earlier so he refused to be something of a pushover. Still, he looked at the establishment. It was fancier than the usual bars that they frequented, no doubt about it. He forgot how exactly they ended up here but something about this place was niggling at his memory, he just couldn't put his finger on it.

"Ah, Toshi-san! Gin-san!" A rather robust man with a goatee greeted them heartily as he stepped out from the backroom.

_Eh?_

"T-Toshi–" Hijikata spluttered beside him, caught off guard by the rather familiar address.

"Well, I can't call you by your last names, right?" The still unidentified man laughed as he stepped behind the counter. "After all, you will be sharing the same last name. Man, it's been a while since I last saw you. Your celebration was one of the best we've had in this bar for a while! You two really knew how to have a good time!" He praised happily but he might as well be speaking in another language because the words refuse to sink into his brain.

What? _What_?!

 _I think we went to some party_ , he remembered Hijikata telling him that day.

But he didn't think it was _that_ kind of party!

"I hope you've prepared your last will," Hijikata suddenly droned blankly from beside him as he went to unsheathe his sword. "Because you're going to be taking your last breath here and now–" He choke on whatever he was going to say as Gintoki hastily wrapped an arm around his neck and another arm around his waist, pulling him back from committing murder while the round man only laughed as if he just hadn't witnessed the Shinsengumi Vice-Commander's attempt to kill him.

"Stop, we still don't know if it's his fault!" Gintoki insisted as Hijikata struggled in his hold. Why the hell was he the voice of reason here?!

"Easy for you to say considering that you're not the one who changed his name!" The vice-commander snarled at him.

"Ah, that was a good one!" The unknown man laughed again. "I remember you two fighting over who would get the other's name!" He revealed and it was enough to distract Hijikata from trying to murder him again so Gintoki instantly let go of him and put some distance between them.

Before, holding down the bastard like that wouldn't mean anything. Right now, though, he was too aware of the warmth the man emanated.

"So, can you tell us how it went then, uh–" Gintoki trailed off and watched as Hijikata stashed his weapon away.

"Haruhiko," The man finally introduced himself.

"–Hiko-kun, because we love to hear the story from another person's perspective, ne, _Toshi_?" His face twitched as he gestured for the bastard to go along if they wanted to get answers.

"Y-Yes, it should be a g-good story." Hijikata awkwardly agreed.

Haruhiko grinned.

"Well–"

**\---**

"I'm not going to take his goddamn name!" They both declared angrily, glaring at each other as if daring the other to argue.

"Well, one is obviously going to surrender his family name if you're going to get married." Junpei, the organizer of the whole event told them as patiently as he could while staring at the papers in his hand in obvious exasperation. "I don't care how you settle it but you need to settle it _now_. If you can't then we're just gonna have to find another–" He was cut off when the two men directed their glowers at him.

Haruhiko laughed as he served another batch of drinks by the counter.

"How about a simple game of Janken?" He suggested, sensing that if he didn't intervene, these men might escalate the situation and his bar might not survive it. "That ought to be simple enough, right?" He grinned at them since he got the feeling that they were horribly competitive.

As expected, both men smirked and turned towards the other.

"I'm telling you, no one has won this game against Gin-san ever since he was a kid." The silver-haired man, Sakata Gintoki, declared rather arrogantly despite the sway in his stance and the obvious flush of alcohol showing on his face. "E-Even Takasugi lost to me and never won. Do you really want to do this, Hi-ji-ka-ta-kun~?" He muttered out the other man's name rather playfully and it was rather hilarious.

"W-Who do you think you're talking to?!" Hijikata Toshirou demanded, just as drunk, before declaring, "I've always won the yearly Shinsengumi Janken Competitions. I've got all the trophies displayed in my room so you've got no room to talk!" He boasted loudly.

 _The police had those kinds of contest?_ Haruhiko thought in confusion. _And wait, did Sakata-san just mention Takasugi? He couldn't be talking about_ that _Takasugi, right?_

"Okay, let's settle it!" Haruhiko clapped his hands.

To his delight, the two got into stances with their fists held out in front of them.

"Fists first," They both declared before moving their closed hands at the same time. " _Jan-ken-pon_ –!"

\---

"–Gin-san won because he used a secret technique," Haruhiko recounted with another laugh, obviously remembering the spectacle that they made of themselves. "He swung down his hand and revealed that he used the pistol gun! Apparently, it beats every gesture!" He then closed his pinky, ring, and middle fingers until he had made a gun sign with his hand and even made the motion of shooting.

" _What_?" was Hijikata's blank demand.

"Ah, yes, yes." Gintoki nodded to himself, finally recalling that he'd used the same move on Katsura and Takasugi back then. It was his secret weapon.

"What?" The vice-commander repeated before promptly exploding. "That's not even a valid move! How the hell could he have won?!"

"I forgot the explanation but it was something Junpei-kun eventually accepted." Haruhiko explained.

Gintoki ignored the fuming man beside him and eyed the bar owner shrewdly.

"You said that Junpei-kun was the organizer of the whole event?" He wondered out loud as he crossed his arms over his chest while Hijikata paused from his rage in order to listen closely. "Hito-kun, just what exactly was your bar hosting again that night?" At the confused look, he hastened to clarify. "I said I like stories, didn't I? Just indulge Gin-san's trip back to memory lane, okay?" He smiled widely.

"Well, it's an event that was organized by the KuriKekkon Agency." The bar owner indulged them and it was a good thing because Hijikata would sooner kill this man if he decided to withhold anything, if Gintoki didn't get to him first, that was. "It's 'A Couple for the Night' party and once we got our married couple, the whole party, food, entertainment and booze, is provided by my bar _all for free_." Haruhiko gestured grandiosely around them.

The pieces started to click and Gintoki felt his soul wither.

"S-So, to get free booze–" He couldn't even say it, feeling sweat gather in his brow.

"–w-we got married." Hijikata finished the thought and they both turned towards each other in horror.

_Oi, was I really that drunk? Gin-san was that irresponsible?!_

"Sure, we even have it here to commemorate it!" The man obliviously gestured to a corkboard on top of the counter that Gintoki hadn't paid attention to before. "See, here? You two were really having a good time and that's what exactly makes me happy to see!" He pointed to the collage of photos, particularly, on the one on the bottom right.

There were a lot of people in the background but not ones Gintoki immediately recognized. There was Haruhiko behind them, a gaggle of men who could only be the other patrons of the bar, a bespectacled young man with a long nose that he'd bet was 'Junpei-kun'. However, his eyes strayed to the both of them who were situated in the middle. Gintoki had an arm slung around Hijikata's shoulders, and both of them wore matching white haoris over their yukata for some reason while a banner hung above them with the word 'Congratulations!'.

Also, his head was turned towards Hijikata while they were in the middle of a _kiss_ –

Brain dead. Malfunction. Error. Error. **_Error_**.

"I'm taking this," Gintoki immediately declared and snatched the picture off of the corkboard while Hijikata had turned into a statue beside him. He couldn't believe that they'd done _that_ in front of other people.

_How many people had already seen this?!_

"By the way," Haruhiko cut in as he crouched down behind the counter before bringing out a medium-sized velvet box. "You forgot these back then. This is what you really came here for, right?" He then proceeded to open the box and revealed two simple silver bands.

_EHHHHH?!_

**oOo**

Going to KuriKekkon Agency was no use. Junpei was on a month-long leave after having organized several weddings these past few days. Apparently, it was the agency's promo to provide support to the people who'd been robbed of the chance to tie the knot ever since Edo's almost destruction by the hands of the Tendoshuu. No, what really complicated the situation was what the receptionist had revealed to them.

"That's a surprise to hear!" Minako, a rather maternal middle-aged woman, gasped. "Normally, the marriage registration would take about three weeks to a month to be processed. But, if what you're telling me is true, then you got yours processed in under a week! Let me check for you, dears." She paused as she browsed through her computer, an action Gintoki was now starting to dread. "Ah, I see! It says right here that your paperwork was brought all the way up to the Prime Minister! I guess that's what having the Shinsengumi Vice-Commander is for."

So now, here they stood in front of the building that housed the Commissioner-General's office since the palace was undergoing renovations.

"Just so you know," Hijikata told him before they entered the tall building. "I'm never going drinking with you again." He declared with finality.

"That should be my line, asshole." Gintoki scowled.

The elevator ride felt longer than usual. In fact, he was feeling so antsy that he was tapping his foot rapidly on the flooring. Though, he and the bastard hadn't really talked about the whole marriage thing. He figured that they could just file a non-contested divorce but the ward office had told them that they would need the seal of the approving government administrator that officiated their civil marriage registration.

When they finally reached the top floor, Gintoki felt dread sit heavily within him.

"Ah, Hijikata-san, Gintoki-san!" Tokugawa Soyo, Edo's new Prime Minister, greeted them happily once they entered the office. "It's so good to finally see you!" She beamed as she stood before them while Nobume regarded them disinterestedly from behind the former princess, seated behind the desk.

"So, you were already expecting us." Gintoki tried not to sound accusing.

"Actually, Hime-sama," Hijikata interjected, already going for the straightforward approach. "We heard that you're the one who approved our, ah, uhm, m-marriage registration." His ears reddened once again and Gintoki knew that he'd seen more of that now than the whole years he'd known the bastard.

"Ah, that's right!" Soyo perked up. "I shouldn't be calling you Hijikata-san then. Should it be Sakata-san?" She tilted her head as if that was the real issue.

"T-Toshirou is fine." Hijikata gritted out, obviously trying not to be disrespectful. "About the registration–" He tried again.

"Of course!" The Prime Minister clapped her hands in delight as she eyed them both rather excitedly. "I usually don't meddle personally in those kinds of affairs but once word reached here that the Shinsengumi Vice-Commander was getting married, I couldn't help but see it for myself! I was so surprised to see Gintoki-san's name, though. Since it's the two of you who'd given your all to protect Edo and aniue-sama before, I figured that I could give the both of you a helping hand."

"H-Helping hand, you say…?" Gintoki's eye started twitching.

"Why do you think everyone in Edo doesn't know about it yet? Or Kagura-chan, for that matter?" She winked at them conspiratorially. "The Shinsengumi Vice-Commander getting married is kind of a big deal, you know? I just wanted you both to revel in the joys of your love before all that." Soyo clasped her hands behind her.

Should he be thankful because _that_ was one disaster averted? Or should he shake this girl until she confessed as to why she suddenly felt the need to 'help'. If she'd just let it be, they could have cancelled it before they got to this point!

For that matter, did she just say _love?_ Was she hearing herself?!

"Then we want to file a divorce." Hijikata declared bluntly, whole face twitching.

"Eh?" Soyo frowned, stepping back from them.

"We," Gintoki took over as he gestured to themselves. "want to file a divorce. We just need your seal." He pointed to her in particular.

For a moment, the Prime Minister was silent as she regarded them thoughtfully. While she was young, Gintoki knew that she was one of the reasons why Edo was still standing. She and Nobume had rebuilt the entire system from the remnants of Katsura's regime. She wasn't that same naïve and sheltered princess that had stood on the sidelines. This was the young woman who had Edo's future in her sight. The eyes of a leader.

"Then I guess you'll have to pay the reparation fee for the divorce," She smiled at them once again. "Since a lot of our assets are dedicated into developing the new legal system, we can't always afford to process things like these so easily because a lot of our resources are being expedited for that to reinstate new records." She announced with that same smile fixed on her face.

"H-How much is the fine?" Gintoki felt the blood steadily drain from his face.

"One billion," Soyo answered readily.

"WHAT?!" He and Hijikata exploded.

"It's because you used government connections to process your marriage registration," She pouted at them, crossing her arms over her chest. "Unless you _lied_ about it?"

_This girl is a natural sadist! Like hell we used our connections! You just want to see us suffer, don't you?!_

"H-Hime-sama, don't you think that's a bit extreme–" Hijikata tried to reason, hand already twitching either for a smoke or his sword. Gintoki bet that it was the latter and the only thing stopping him was that this was the Prime Minister and Nobume had been caressing the hilt of her sword behind Soyo.

"Nobume-san," The Prime Minister stared over her shoulder and addressed the Commissioner-General. "What's the punishment for people who abused high connections and lied their way to the privileges of being married?" She questioned.

"They can pay the reparation fee with their bodies," Nobume dutifully answered blankly. "I'm sure Yoshiwara would be happy to accommodate them." She regarded both men appraisingly.

"No, there's a misunderstanding–" Hijikata frantically put in.

"It's all Zura's fault, you can sell his body to Yoshiwara–" Gintoki added his own two cents.

"You can add Sougo to that–"

"And Sakamoto, don't forget about _Sakamoto_ –"

Soyo frowned again.

"But I have a copy of your vows sent by KuriKekkon. Not to mention, they even sent me your registration with both of your signatures which means that what happened was fully consensual on both of your parts." She told them matter-of-factly before her face scrunched up the same way Kagura's did when trying to get her way, teary eyed and quivering lips. "So, you _did_ lie?" She asked with disappointment.

_Just what is that brat teaching her?!_

Behind her, Nobume stood up, already unsheathing her sword as her eyes glinted menacingly.

"What are you talking about?" Gintoki laughed obnoxiously as he slung an arm around Hijikata's shoulders, momentarily forgetting about personal space and why they had imposed a certain distance between them. "I-I've been in love with this moron since forever! Even if he's a notorious chain smoker and probably accumulated brain damage from all the mayonnaise in his system." He chortled.

"Y-Yeah, loved everything about this perm even if he's a disgusting freak with sugar for blood and with the most annoying dead-fish eyes." Hijikata bit out through grinning mouth.

They glared at each other.

"That's perfect then!" Soyo was suddenly all sparkles once again as something was brought into the office by Nobume's men. "This means my gift won't go to waste! KuriKekkon gave me a copy of your wedding picture so I had it commissioned into a portrait for you guys to honor your vows and marriage." She clapped her hands rather giddily as the men tore the paper wrapping of the four feet something by three feet something.

What they saw made Gintoki's jaw dropped.

He'd expected something incriminating considering the photo that still sat heavily within the folds of his yukata.

But they actually looked rather…good.

If one didn't know that they were drunk on their asses, one could mistake the flush on their faces for a couple who were obviously newly married. Gintoki stood behind Hijikata with his arms wrapped around his waist and hands interlaced while Hijikata was standing there, in the middle of putting a hand on Gintoki's. Both of them were grinning too with their faces smushed side by side and while Gintoki's was stretched wide with the force of his full-blown grin, Hijikata's was more subdued but still sincere just the same.

Ah, he remembered Haruhiko lending them the haoris for a shot so they had something of their 'wedding day'. Back then, he'd gone along with it because they'd literally taken the 'A Couple of the Night' thing literally or something like that. It was all still confusing.

 _No_ , what caught him off guard was how damn _happy_ they both looked.

Something inside Gintoki twisted.

"Did you like it?" Soyo turned to them expectantly.

"It's a rather good opportunity," A new voice chimed in and all of their eyes snapped to the door just to see Matsudaira Katakuriko enter. "The hero of Edo getting together with the Shinsengumi Vice-Commander. It's an event to celebrate. That's obviously going to be a boost to public morale. Ne, Toshi?" He regarded Hijikata with raised eyebrows, only sparing a barely perceptible nod towards Gintoki.

"I refuse." Hijikata firmly said as he disentangled himself from Gintoki, eyes clear and bright but intense in a way that sent Gintoki's hackles rising.

"Well, if you can't divorce your way out of it, why don't you actually use it to help Edo instead?" The old man pointed out.

"You know what _that_ fight was really about, Totsan." Hijikata merely retorted, fists clenched by his side.

For a moment, all was still until Matsudaira pulled out his gun and directed it point-blank at Hijikata's head who didn't even flinch. In the background, Nobume had pushed Soyo behind her while the Prime Minister watched the proceedings cautiously. Meanwhile, Gintoki had stepped forward and pulled out his bokutō, the tip pointed at the old man's throat. He didn't entirely understand what they're getting at but he'd rarely seen the vice-commander that resolute about something. The last time he'd seen that gaze was back at Kokujo Island.

Besides, he wouldn't let anyone kill this bastard. Not if he could help it. There had been too many deaths already.

"You used to be cut from a different cloth from the rest of the Shinsengumi," Matsudaira sighed as he eventually brought down his weapon while Gintoki held his firmly. "You used to be clear-cut and uncompromising if it means for the good of Edo. How you've gotten soft." Despite his words for Hijikata, the man's gaze was set on Gintoki, snorting under his breath when the silver-haired man frowned at him.

"We need to adjust for the new era, that's all." Hijikata answered with a small smile.

**oOo**

So, unless they somehow got their hands on a billion yen or managed to convince the Prime Minister to sign their divorce papers, they were going to stay married.

Gintoki sighed as he rubbed his hands through his curls as he trudged his way back to his place. They'd left the Commissioner-General's office with Soyo's passive-aggressive reminder that she hoped they didn't lie about their papers followed by her promise to deliver her gift to the Yorozuya tomorrow. Ugh, he wondered if he could get away with burning that thing before the kids or anyone saw it.

Though, remembering the portrait, he frowned. It seemed like such a waste to get rid of.

Ah. _AH!_ Not that he wanted it!

As he was ascending the stairs to his apartment, Gintoki paused as he heard the sound of whip and the telltale audible smack it made on flesh.

"K-Kintoki," Sakamoto called out to him, sounding nervous.

For a moment, he debated just leaving right there and then, not wanting to see what his once-comrade had gotten himself into. He figured that Mutsu could take care of it since he wasn't in the mood.

However, he also remembered that Sakamoto was the textbook definition of oblivious. _He didn't do nervous._ Serious, sure, but never that kind of tone. It was with this knowledge that made Gintoki turn around and stare blankly at the brunet who was on his hands and knees on the ground. He was half-naked and dressed only in a pair of pants. A spiked collar was around his neck with the chain connected to it held by–

"Eh?!" His jaw dropped as he watched a stone-faced Sarutobi Ayame stepping on Sakamoto's back, eyes glinting with promises of torture.

"Did I say you can speak, worm?" Her voice deepened as she dug her heel.

Sakamoto turned pleading eyes at him as he laughed shakily, his sunglasses notably missing.

"M-Meet my wife?"

* * *

_**TBC.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I'm going to make it four chapters since it was longer than I anticipated being. Also, thank you for the kind comments of everyone who supported this!
> 
> Lastly, I dedicate the GinHiji portrait to @Walang_Tinta who supported all my stories ever since I started writing for the Gintama fandom. Thank you so much!!
> 
> Please don’t repost the image to other sites, thanks! I’m @avisleeh at tumblr!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you squint hard enough, you might see the fluff and that hint of romance. If you _really_ squint.

"So," Gintoki's eye twitched.

On his right sat Shinpachi who hadn't stopped gawking while on his left, Kagura was eating a bowl of udon and staring at the spectacle in boredom. Across from them, Sarutobi sat with her legs crossed and resting over the bare back of Sakamoto who was _still_ on his hands and knees. To be honest, Gintoki still had nightmares about that torture in Yoshiwara when he'd first arrived back in Edo and that was reason enough to stay out of these particular women's way.

So, why the hell was Sakamoto _involved_ with one of them? Was he also having hearing problems? The idiot did say _wife_ , right?

 _Oi, is that a new slang for tormentor? Abuser?_ Ah, he'd only been gone for two years and he suddenly found that Gin-san wasn't as hip as the cool kids these days.

"Where have you been all this time, Sakamoto-san?" Shinpachi was eventually the one to break the silence, staring at the man reproachfully. _Only you, Patsuan._ "Mutsu-san was looking for you the other day. You should be more responsible than this." The teen scolded with a heavy dose of disappointment.

"I think you're missing the point, Shinpachi," Kagura cut in as she slurped on some noodles that she didn't even have the decency to share and probably bought with Hijikata's money. "Don't you see that he has a different job now, yes? Besides, all he does is mess around while Mutsu-chan handles all the hard work. Right now, he seems more useful as a footrest." She stared at Sakamoto contemplatively as if she was considering getting one for herself.

Shinpachi stared at her incredulously. "I think _you're_ the one missing the point!"

"Ah, you see–" Sakamoto started to say but fell quiet when a kunai had lodged itself at the side of his head.

Blood dripped down on his floorboards.

An awkward silence followed.

Then, stoic-faced Sarutobi took a deep breath before she promptly started wailing into her hands.

"I'm so sorry, Gin-san!" She cried into her hands, shoulders shaking with her sniffles. "You're the one that I'm supposed to marry but I almost ended up tying the knot with this idiot, instead!" She sounded so distraught by this and, if he didn't know any better, sounded like she was apologizing for cheating on him.

Where was Zenzou when you needed him?

"What are you worried about?" He nonchalantly asked as he gazed at the two of them with furrowed brows before crossing his arms over his chest and nodding his head decisively. "Nothing's going to change if you did, right? I mean, you'll be a _Sa_ kamoto. Technically, that means that you're still a _Sa_ cchan. You just have to introduce yourself as Sacchan starting today and forget the rest." He advised to her and knowing exactly that it was the last thing she wanted to hear from him.

"That's not the point either!" Shinpachi yelled.

"I'm so sorry, I know you were totally disappointed in me, Gin-san!" The kunoichi babbled on, yanking the chain and making the idiot splutter.

"I'm actually proud."

Gintoki tilted his head as a kunai whizzed past his head, careful about not letting the blade graze him just in case it was laced with poison again.

He tried not to think about the fact that he still called his 'husband' by his former last name.

"How did you two almost end up getting married, Sacchan-san?" Shinpachi asked in exasperation but Gintoki could hear that tiny disbelief in his voice.

Since the woman was still busy playing the distressed maiden, Sakamoto spoke after a few coughs. "I tried finding you guys that night and someone was kind enough to point me to you. But when I got there, you guys already left and Sacchan-chan was there drinking and crying about you hooking up with someone. I told her I'll pay for the drinks if she told me where you were. Long story short, we tied the knot after that." He laughed a bit hysterically this time.

"You just skipped the most important part." Shinpachi pointed out in exasperation.

Still, Gintoki eyed Sarutobi nervously. Specifically, for whatever knowledge she seemed to harbor.

"It actually wasn't official yet since the registration still hadn't been approved that time and the cancellation is still being processed." Sarutobi sniffled again as she wiped her tears from behind her glasses. "I-I was tricked into it, Gin-san! Please believe me!" She looked at him imploringly.

He ignored her.

"It turns out I lost my wallet," Sakamoto admitted in a dead voice. "Sacchan-chan didn't have hers with her. Technically, that 'A Couple for the Night' gig was already over where newly married couples got drinks for free. Since we're out of money, they took pity on us. Apparently, they hosted real marriages. Hahaha!" He laughed again and he sounded close to being himself. How Gintoki wished that he was as ignorant.

"What?" The glasses deadpanned.

_So, you tried to get married to get out of paying? Just how much did the two of you drink?!_

Gintoki didn't know how to feel about knowing that he and Hijikata were apparently not the only idiots out there. But to be put in the same league as these two, _no freaking way_.

"So, this idiot has been missing ever since because he was with you?" Gintoki stared at them without any ounce of sympathy.

"Yes?" The brunet stared at them sheepishly with that stupid kunai still lodged in his head.

"Until I'm sure the cancellation is done." Sarutobi answered as she yanked the chain once again, choking Sakamoto _._ "I'm so sorry, Gin-san but you're looking at a changed woman. I finally gave up being an M in favor of embracing my inner S. This is my repentance for betraying your trust. I became the ultimate 'S' and made this good-for-nothing suffer for trying to take me away from you." She looked scarily proud of that declaration as she kicked the idiot. Just for that, he wished that they _did_ end up getting married.

At this rate, Gintoki didn't even need to kill him anymore.

 _Don't forget that you can still end up as a Sakamoto!_ He thought of Soyo once again and grimaced.

See, if she hadn't meddled then he and Hijikata could've gotten theirs cancelled too.

"How do we even explain this to Mutsu-san?" Shinpachi muttered under his breath, staring in horror.

"Aren't we overlooking something?" Kagura cut in as she put down her empty bowl, having been preoccupied with finishing her udon whilst the drama went on. "They mentioned that Gin-chan hooked up with someone, yes?"

At that, Gintoki started sweating while Sarutobi screamed her denial.

**oOo**

_It's one thing after another_ , he thought to himself.

Yesterday, Kagura and Shinpachi hadn't stopped pestering him about what happened. Sakamoto had told them to tell Mutsu not to worry too much and that he'd be back soon with that kunai _still_ on his head. Gintoki was just thankful that Sarutobi had been too upset to tell the teens about the _who_. He promised that he'd explain everything (not including the thing that _never_ happened) the next day if they'd at least leave him alone for the night.

They had acquiesced with only a small amount of doubt.

Still, he thought that didn't justify as to why Shinpachi had spent the night with them or why Sadaharu was suspiciously positioned near the entrance.

Like Gintoki was going to pull a fast one on them. He only thought of doing it _twice_ , okay?!

But that wasn't what he was currently having an issue with. It was the three Shinsengumi members who were occupying one sofa in his makeshift office early in the morning, having been the ones to personally deliver the Prime Minister's gift. In fact, his eyes hadn't left the portrait that was placed on the floor to stand against his desk. The four feet something by three feet something was the same as ever since he'd first laid eyes on it.

He and Hijikata looked so damn happy that he felt like getting cavities from staring at it.

"Gin-chan," Kagura spoke as she eyed the large portrait. "Was this why Toshi wanted to talk to you so badly yesterday?" She asked bluntly and uncaring of their current audience.

"So, Hijikata-san–" Okita perked up before pausing. "I mean, _Sakata_ -san was here yesterday? While on the job?" He turned to his unusually quiet commander. "I told you that he's suspicious. No wonder he's been acting strange for the past week, he's on a rendezvous with the Yorozuya danna." He pointed out blandly but the gleam in his maroon eyes was definitely gleeful. This little shit was enjoying this.

"But from the way Hiji–" Shinpachi broke off for a moment before trying again. "From the way _Sakata_ -san behaved yesterday, he sounded like he was more inclined to be divorcing Gin-san." He pointed out matter-of-factly.

"Hi– _Sakata-_ san seemed to be in a bad mood yesterday," Robozaki, who currently looked like the normal Jimmy, added his two cents to the conversation.

_Oi, what's with everyone calling that bastard Sakata, damn it!_

For that matter, the gorilla hadn't stopped staring at him so intensely.

"Is it too late to try and explain how this is all just a huge misunderstanding?" Gintoki tried to put his word in but, in truth, he also didn't know where to start explaining because that night was still blurry to him. Not to mention, the thing that _never_ happened and the complications added by Soyo's very much unwanted interference.

"That looks pretty clear to me." Okita pointed at the portrait.

"Remember what happened to Sakamoto?" He turned to the teens by his side.

"How Sacchan was so heartbroken about you hooking up with someone that she tried to marry the first idiot she saw?" Kagura disinterestedly put in and flicked an annoyed gaze at Gintoki, all the while totally misunderstanding what exactly happened to those two. "But Gin-chan, Toshi doesn't look heartbroken at all." She pouted as she gestured to portrait-Hijikata who was smiling in his arms, looking the very opposite of heartbroken.

"This looks familiar to you, Yorozuya?" Kondo finally spoke and his impassiveness unnerved Gintoki.

The commander slid forward on the table what must be a copy of their marriage certificate. The Prime Minister's seal stood out to him. Gintoki's eye started twitching as he read their names, putting Hijikata Toshirou under the name Sakata starting about six days ago.

"That's why I'm telling you that there's a misunderstanding–" He tried to explain.

"That looks pretty clear to me." Kondo cut him off, eyes narrowing at him.

_Oi, what's with that intensity? Are you just trying to look cool? Why is he staring at Gin-san like he's going to make him into mashed bananas?_

"Don't worry, danna." Okita honest-to-God _smiled_ at him and it sent a chill down Gintoki's spine. "Hiji– _Sakata_ -san is almost the perfect wife for someone like you. He can clean after himself, cook meals as long as you watch over him because he tends to put mayonnaise on everything, and he has a steady-paying job _to pay for all your food and rent_." He finished this declaration with his smile widening into a grin.

What was with this conversation? Why did it suddenly feel like the atmosphere suddenly got heavy?

"That's to be expected of my new Mami, yes?" Kagura nodded her head.

_Who the fuck are you calling Mami?_

"It's about time that Gin-san settled down with someone," Shinpachi agreed as he took a sip of his tea, sounding like a mother who'd been waiting for her good-for-nothing son to give her grandchildren. "Whatever problems they may be facing now, I'm sure that they'll overcome it. It's normal to have a few disagreements in a married couple's life, right?" He beamed at Gintoki supportively.

_Why are you both acting like nothing's wrong with this?!_

"And _listen to me_ when I tell you that there's a misunderstanding–" Gintoki tried again as he slammed his hand on the table to hopefully get his point across.

He was cut off _once_ _again_ when the door to his place was slammed open.

"Kondo-san!" A familiar voice screamed. "I already told you that you've got it all wrong–!" Hijikata marched forward towards his commander.

"It's alright, Toshi." Kondo assured him, eyes still fixed eerily on Gintoki. "We got it from here."

_No one's listening to us at all!_

"No, you _don't_ get it at all!" The vice-commander growled as he grabbed the back of the gorilla's collar to presumably haul him back to HQ. "If you had just let me explain everything then we can fix this mess–" He paused though when Kondo slapped his hand away, head bowed. "Kondo-san…?" Hijikata stared at his superior with wide eyes.

"Sit down so we can settle this." Kondo merely said as Robazaki stood up to make room for the man.

"H-Hey–" Gintoki tried to cut in again but ended up coughing his intestines out when Kagura jammed her elbow on his stomach.

"Sit down, Toshi." The Shinsengumi Commander repeated when Hijikata remained standing.

It seemed like the man was shocked enough by his superior's unusual behavior that he did as he was told wordlessly.

Kondo's shoulders started shaking.

"Now, look at what you've done Hiji– _Sakata_ -san." Okita clicked his tongue, watching the unfolding scene with barely hidden delight as he sat between the two.

"I told you to stop calling me that!" Hijikata rounded on him with a glower.

"You made the gorilla cry, Mami." Kagura put in with a disappointed look which didn't mesh well with her still existing bedhead.

"What are you even calling me?!"

"Ah, Hi– Sakata-san, please calm down." Robozaki tried to placate the seething vice-commander who just stood up and ended up stomping on him angrily with a scream to stop calling him Sakata or it's going to be _seppuku_ –

All of them paused when Kondo started sobbing as he kneeled by the portrait.

" _Toshi!_ " The man cried as he raised a shaking hand towards portrait-Hijikata before turning to them with tears and snot dripping down his face. "How could you do this to me? I'm your best friend, right?! Then why wasn't I invited to your wedding? That's supposed to be one of the best days of your life! Why wasn't I invited at all?" He ended up bending forward on the floor, crying his heart out on his arms.

"That's _your_ issue?!" Gintoki exploded as he sent a flying kick towards the gorilla, propelling him towards the closet. He couldn't believe this ape made him nervous in the first place!

Hijikata took a deep calming breath as he sat back down, looking suspiciously indifferent to seeing his commander get kicked around.

"What are you three even trying to do here?" He directed the question towards Okita.

"We're here to help you, of course." The brat sounded happy which meant that it was going to be hell on his victims. "In exchange for your bank account and service as danna's trophy wife, we've already arranged for your things to be moved here in about, say, an hour. After getting married under everyone's noses, it's your right to finally move in with your new husband. So, you don't have to hide it anymore, _Sakata_ -san."

What. _WHAT?!_

**oOo**

Gintoki and Hijikata sat in front of every officer in the Shinsengumi mess hall. A white banner hung above their heads with the words 'Congratulations!' written over it and long tables were pulled in with assortments of food and alcohol. In fact, he could already see Kagura wolfing down some sashimi while Shinpachi had taken out tupperwares. His eye twitched as he watched the Shinsengumi members crying their eyes out.

"We're so happy for you, Vice-Commander!" Harada bawled as he saluted to them.

"Congratulations!" The whole troops stood to attention and also offered a salute to them which Kondo, Okita, and the kids copied.

The both of them would've already said something if the Prime Minister and Commissioner-General, who had been graciously invited by Kondo, weren't standing at the back and watching the proceedings. In fact, Soyo looked suspiciously teary-eyed between Nobume and Matsudaira while the old man had the fucking nerve to smirk at them.

He and Hijikata were holding each other's hand in front of everyone. Gintoki tightened his grip enough to hopefully break the bastard's hand.

**oOo**

"There are rules," Gintoki crossed his arms over his chest. "One, you don't touch Gin-san's pudding and strawberry milk. Two, the sukonbu is off limits otherwise you deal with the brat. Three, rent is always due by third week of the month. Four, Friday is sukiyaki day so you better prepare for that. Five, uh, you're in charge of groceries from now on–" His head was slammed on the wall of his bedroom, effectively cutting him off.

"Why the hell are you helping yourself to my money, you useless bastard?" Hijikata gritted out.

"That's what Souichirou-kun promised, right?" Gintoki's muffled voice came out as he slowly pulled his face off the wall. "Unless, you're planning to be _that_ kind of wife? You're just going to be a freeloader in Gin-san's place and leech him dry?" He mock-gasped, staring at him judgmentally.

He caught the fist that the vice-commander threw in his face.

"Would you quit calling me your wife?!" Hijikata growled at him as he roughly pulled his hand out of the silver-haired man's hold. "Damn it, stop treating me like a woman! It was bad enough that everyone in the Shinsengumi found out that I'm married to a shitty perm like you but Kondo-san also kicked me out of the barracks and I had to live _here_ too! Why the hell won't anyone listen to us?!" He breathed heavily, sounding one second away from having a mental breakdown.

_Believe me, Hijikata-kun. I've been asking myself that every hour._

"So, you prefer that I call you my husband then?" He wondered aloud thoughtfully.

"No, I'm not _your_ anything! Stop it!" The man fervently denied, a blush starting to creep up his neck and cheeks.

"You're just going to work yourself up to a heart attack if you continue fighting against it," Gintoki pointed out with a yawn as he opened his closet and pulled out his futon. "That seems more likely for you with all the mayonnaise in your blood. Gin-san is tired of kicking and screaming about all this mess. Aren't you the same, Hijikata-kun?" He turned to look at the vice-commander over his shoulder with a raised eyebrow.

Hijikata scowled.

"So, what? We're just gonna accept that we're married?" He scoffed disbelievingly.

"If the shoe fits or something like that," Gintoki shrugged as he yawned again. "Gin-san's too tired for this shit so it's sleepy time. Maybe if we're lucky enough, we'll wake up tomorrow and discover that this is all a horrible dream we had together because we had one of those poisonous mushrooms and we're actually stuck in the middle of nowhere."

"If we're that lucky," Hijikata snorted under his breath as he grabbed his own futon and laid it out on the tatami.

They shared a moment of quiet as they went about fixing their own beddings. Today had been a long day but even he didn't expect that it would end up sleeping in the same room with the bastard again. _Just_ sleeping, okay?! None of those R-rated stuff, damn it. For that matter, it _never_ happened. Though, that's what he was telling himself until he finally laid down on his futon and turned to the other side of the room where the vice-commander had set up camp.

He blinked.

"Oi, Hijikata-kun." Gintoki called out in a whisper.

"What?" was the snappish reply. "I thought that it's time to sleep?" Hijikata sounded tense.

"What am I looking at?" He asked, still whispering.

"The back of your eyelids, hopefully." This time, the man seemed like he'd calmed down.

"Ah, no, that's not true." Gintoki answered blankly as his eyes adjusted in the dark. "I'm still blinking, you jerk. For some reason, there's this giant wall to my right that wasn't there before. I don't remember asking Mokichi-kun for any renovations. If I did, then this is certainly not it." He droned on monotonously.

"Who the hell is Mokichi?" Hijikata hissed from the other side and totally missing (or _ignoring_ ) the point.

"What? _You_ haven't heard of him? He's the legendary carpenter in Edo!" He made sure to sound just the tiniest bit indignant because it would irritate the asshole. "But, no, what we're talking about is this wall of boxes that's in the middle of the room? Are you really this kind of slob? Leaving your stuff lying around like this?" He clicked his tongue in annoyance, wondering what the hell was this bastard up to.

For a moment, it was silent and Gintoki wondered if the vice-commander had fallen asleep.

However, there was the sound of shuffling.

"It's to make sure you stay on _your_ side." Hijikata finally answered, voice barely audible. "If you try anything funny, my sword's beside me and I'm gonna skewer your ass." The man threatened.

_Oi, why are you acting like Gin-san's some kind of pervert?!_

"Why are you acting wary for? It's not like we haven't done the deed, Hijikata-kun." He solemnly told the other because while he'd been insistently reminding himself that it _never_ happened, it didn't exactly make the fact that it _did_ happen go away. Especially when the other kept acting like Gintoki would do something perverted to him every time he got close. See, this was why one didn't have one-night stand with people they knew. It set off the balance.

"I thought we agreed to pretend that it _never_ happened?" There was a thud followed by the sounds of shifting.

"If it didn't, then stop acting like I'm going to do something." Gintoki sighed. _Let's go back to being normal idiots._

Silence. Then, "Fine."

"No more box walls?" Gintoki asked just to be certain.

"No more box walls." Hijikata agreed easily enough. "But I'm keeping the sword here."

**oOo**

Ah, it was so damn hot today.

"Did you find it yet?" He whined as he brought the radio to his face.

"Negative, danna." replied Jimmy One.

"Oi, how about Jimmy Two, where's my cherry soda?" Gintoki demanded as he fanned his face from the heat. "Gin-san's dying here!" He punctuated this statement by wiping the sweat off of his forehead, not that the other could see it.

"Does it have to be _cherry_?" was the whimpered question.

"Yes," He rolled his eyes at this. "Because the taste of cherry is going to be one that I'm gonna carry for the rest of the day. Gin-san's taste buds had been craving for it ever since he stepped out into the sun. Do you mean to say that you want to give me something that _isn't_ cherry flavored soda? That's like giving a kid who's been craving chocolate an apple instead just because they're both sweet. It's not the same!"

Kagura snatched the radio from his hand. "Don't forget my chuuberts, yes?"

Gintoki snatched it back. "Focus on _my_ cherry soda first."

"Should we be really doing this?" Shinpachi voiced out hesitantly from Kagura's other side.

"It's fine." He waved off nonchalantly. "Where's Jimmy Three? Any updates on our Fur Ops yet?" He questioned as he tried to pull Kagura's umbrella towards his head for more shade while Shinpachi squawked at losing precious cover from the sun.

"Ah, y-yes, I found him on top of the tree in someone's backyard!" was the rather triumphant declaration.

"Good, then bring that rascal here–"

A sudden hand on his shoulder made him jump, making him almost drop the radio.

"What do you think are you doing, _darling_?" came the snarled greeting of his beloved husband. He didn't know how but Hijikata (Sakata? Toshirou? Nope. _Nope_.) managed to make terms of endearment sound like a cross between a threat and being the vilest curse on earth. Was this going to become a trend? This wasn't what Gin-san had in mind when getting married but he needed to adjust and all that.

"W-We're out on a job, can't you tell?" He gave a shaky smile.

"Sitting on the bench out here in the park is your job?" The man deadpanned, unimpressed.

"It's not easy work, Toshi!" Kagura chimed in as she twirled her umbrella. "We're protecting this bench from the sun, yes? We're keeping it cool for the time being." She declared rather haughtily.

"And ordering my men around is also part of your job too?" He gritted out as he snatched the radio out of Gintoki's hands.

"Well, you left it at the house this morning." Gintoki reminded him as he crossed his arms. "And we're just making sure that they're not slacking off. Isn't that a good thing? Technically, they're doing this for you since I'm your husband." He pointed out matter-of-factly, raising an eyebrow that dared the bastard to refute his statement.

"What you're doing is preventing them from doing their job, not stopping them from slacking off!" The vice-commander exploded as he grabbed a fistful of Gintoki's curls and pulled. _Damn._ "You're utterly shameless!"

Gintoki yelped.

"I'm so sorry, Hiji– _Sakata_ -san! I tried to stop them but–" Shinpachi gestured helplessly towards them.

"Your shitty boss is the one I have a problem with." Hijikata's hand tightened and pulled again, probably pouring all his frustration on his silver strands.

_Come on, it hasn't even been a day yet!_

"Oi, you're going to pull it off! Gin-san's not ready to go bald!" He cried out in panic as he grabbed the man's wrist and gave a painful squeeze to get him to let go.

"Tsk," Hijikata grunted as he released his hair.

He massaged his aching scalp and glared at the asshole. After their temporary truce last night, the boxes were already set aside and sorted out. Hijikata had spent the morning organizing his things and stuffing their fridge with bottles of mayonnaise. Breakfast earlier had been an interesting affair. Shinpachi had arrived early to cook more than usual for their additional member, Sadaharu had only tried to bite the bastard's head off once, and Kagura had listed off what she wanted for dinner.

They had all known Hijikata long enough that there was no trace of any awkwardness. They'd been through too much shit together to even be bothered. Really, it was like a sleepover.

Before he could let out a scathing retort, a voice from the radio chimed in. "I got your cherry soda, danna!"

"Oi, forget about this asshole's soda and get back to work!" Hijikata growled angrily.

"B-But Vice-Commander!" Jimmy Two yelped miserably, sounding downtrodden. "I spent _two hours_ trying to find this flavor because all the vending machines and convenience stores near Kabukichou are out of stock." He informed the man.

"I don't care," Hijikata replied mercilessly. "You should be doing your job. In fact, you can have that cherry soda." With that, he turned off the radio.

"Oi, don't you dare drink _my_ cherry soda, Jimmy Two!" Gintoki tried to snatch the radio out of the bastard's hand but Hijikata just stepped out of his reach, returning his glare. "Besides, we're still waiting for updates from Jimmy Three! We need to catch a cat for this lovely baa-san. Are you telling me that the police are stingy with their resources too that they can't lend a helping hand to old ladies?" He threw out there challengingly as he stood up from the bench.

"That's why they're paying you, right?" Hijikata gave him a tight-lipped smile, eye twitching.

Walking around the bench, Gintoki gave his best charming smile.

"Don't you want to help your dear husband?" He continued stepping closer just until he was a foot away, knowing how much the closeness bothered Hijikata. "Isn't that what married couples do? They help each other out? Partners for life? Till mayo and death do they part?" His grin widened when he noticed the familiar blush that crept up the man's neck and steadily made its way to his cheeks.

Before the bastard could push him away, Gintoki grabbed Hijikata's hands with his. "You never know, Gin-san might fall for you for real." He murmured under his breath.

"W-What?" Hijikata stared at him with wide eyes, frozen.

"After Jimmy Three gives me that cat!" Gintoki crowed victoriously as he jumped back after pulling the radio out of the stunned vice-commander's hands.

He ran back to the teens who were staring at him curiously, probably wondering what he said to the bastard.

" _Yorozuya!_ "

**oOo**

Gintoki grumbled as he entered a cafe that afternoon.

Since it was almost lunch time, there were a lot of people. That wouldn't stop him from trying to get his parfait fix, though. Scanning the tables, he blinked as he spotted a familiar someone. It was intriguing enough to see him here of all places so his feet took him to that particular table. Without any further ado, Gintoki casually strolled there and plopped his ass on the empty seat across from the other.

"Yo, Hasegawa-san." He greeted jovially. "I knew there was a reason why I haven't seen you around lately," He remarked candidly while thinking _your cardboard box by that vending machine was vacant nowadays_.

To his surprise, the man started choking on his meal the moment their eyes met.

Leaning his elbow on the table with his chin propped on his hand, he watched the train wreck happening before him. The man furiously hit his chest with a fist, obviously having swallowed down the wrong pipe. Wordlessly, Gintoki reached out with his free hand and pushed the glass of water towards the man who proceeded to gulp the drink. At this rate, just looking at the spectacle he made would be enough to make him lose his appetite.

"Uhm," Hasegawa vaguely gestured to his face once he finally got his breath back.

"Is there something on my face?" His brows scrunched in confusion.

"Y-Your eye–" The man hesitantly brought up.

"That's makeup," Gintoki nonchalantly answered. "It's the new trend. Kids these days come up with the weirdest things," He shook his head morosely.

"It looks really painful," The other pointed out.

"Makeup comes in varieties." He retorted readily.

"That's just a blackeye, right?"

 _Ugh_ , don't remind him. Read the mood, damn madao. How was he supposed to know that Hijikata was in the bathroom? Gin-san was still half-asleep when he remembered that he left his Friday yukata in there. It wasn't his fault that the man forgot to lock the door while in the middle of undressing and Gintoki got an eyeful of his naked glory first thing in the morning. Hijikata had done that blushing thing where his whole body seemed to glow like a cherry tomato and promptly hurled a bucket at his face.

Kagura hadn't stopped laughing at what happened while Shinpachi had scolded him about being more self-aware.

"So, what have you been up to?" Gintoki changed the subject. _Take the hint, idiot._

"You know, _things._ " The man gestured vaguely. _No, Gin-san doesn't know._ "It's a surprise to see you here, Gin-san." Hasegawa suddenly started sweating.

"No, I usually go here at least twice a week for my parfait." Gintoki calmly refuted as he gave the man his best searching stare. "It should be that it's a surprise to see _you_ here. I'm warning you now that this isn't your usual establishment. The owner of this place is pretty much the vindictive bastard you wouldn't want to eat and run from." He pointed out bluntly because he'd accidentally done it once and he'd been banned on every store that sold parfait until he apologized and paid back the money he owed. _With interest_.

"This isn't what it looks like!" The man protested. "I actually have a job." Hasegawa rubbed the back of his head and, for some reason, wouldn't meet Gintoki's gaze.

Hey! He only got him fired about– okay, _six_ times but those were totally not his fault!

"That makes enough to pay for my parfait too?" He asked casually, eyeing the white long button up shirt and the neon puke-green tie that looked familiar for some reason.

"S-Sure!" Hasegawa answered rather eagerly.

Gintoki squinted suspiciously. That was laughably easy. He thought that he was going to have to trick him into it like in the past.

"So–"

"I-I should get going, Gin-san!" Hasegawa slammed his hands on the table as he stood up. "You know, more customers to talk to and all. Enjoy your parfait!" With that, he slammed a couple of bills onto the table and actually made a run for it. The man hadn't even finished his meal. With his lifestyle, one would think he'd be more appreciative of every bite while he still had it. Ah, maybe he really was scared of Gintoki getting his ass fired again. Meh.

He watched as a glowering waiter marched after the man. _Ah, I forgot to tell him not to leave like that. They're going to think you ran for it, Hasegawa-san._

**oOo**

Gintoki watched nonchalantly as Kagura bustled around. It was already late in the evening and Shinpachi had already gone home. However, they were still awake out here in the office/living room because Kagura insisted on watching a movie with them. He tried not to stare at the portrait that was proudly displayed by the wall near his window, something that Kagura had insisted to be put there no matter how much he and Hijikata had protested. It always garnered the eye of their customers, damn it.

"What are we watching again?" He asked again as he dug a pinky into his nose, staring as Kagura set up the player.

"It's the one anego lent me the other day!" She proudly announced as she showed them the DVD case with a cherry blossom tree cover that had a woman peeking from behind it. "It's called _Sakura Wishes_ , it's supposed to be an action/drama film!" She seemed really hyped about it though, Gintoki would keep his reservations to himself because he had serious doubts about Otae's taste. This better not be some chick-flick, damn it.

"I think I've heard of that from Sougo before," Hijikata muttered under his breath beside him as his eyes glinted with interest.

Hearing that, Gintoki now didn't know what to make of this movie. He just couldn't imagine that sadist watching some b-rated drama film.

It started off normally enough. About a poor woman who had fallen in love with a man of higher status. It was clear that the man felt the same way but a lot of people were against that love. Seriously, it was the most cliched move of every romance story. He would've rolled his eyes at the utterly predictable flow of the film until he watched the man's stepmother carry out the plot of killing off the poor woman.

That was where things started to go downhill.

_Oi, you told Gin-san that this is an action/drama film! I get the drama part but this isn't the action he signed up for!_

When the screams began, he felt goosebumps breaking out across the skin of his arms and had resorted to watching the movie from between his fingers. He felt cold sweat gather at the back of his neck and internally cursed the Yato for wanting to watch this film with the lights off. For that matter, the cover of that DVD was very misleading! He then remembered that they also had another person watching with them and his eyes shifted to the bastard who was also watching from behind his hands.

"Y-You scared, Oogushi-kun?" He smirked at the man but his lips and eyes kept twitching.

"W-Who the hell is scared?" Hijikata demanded shakily.

"It's f-fine! Gin-san won't judge you!" _Just admit that you're scared so we can stop this movie, Kagura will listen to you!_ He tried to glare at the bastard but he couldn't help but jumping in shock as another shrill scream emanated from the TV which the vice-commander clearly caught.

In a bold move, Hijikata removed the hand covering his face and bravely turned back to the movie defenseless.

"As if! What kind of samurai would I be if I get spooked by some b-rated film like this?" The mayora declared arrogantly, the implied _unlike you_ rang loudly in that statement. However, his pallor had paled considerably and his foot kept tapping on the floor erratically.

Not to be outdone, Gintoki mimicked him and even crossed his arms over his chest. "Gin-san's just here to enjoy the movie!"

They stayed like that throughout the film and they both twitched, jumped and flinched in tandem at the jump-scares. After this, he would never trust anything that Otae recommended ever again or anything from her, really. Not that Gin-san was scared, okay?! The horrible sound effects were just surprising, that's all. Though, he refused to admit that he breathed out a sigh of relief once the credits finally rolled in–

_Bam!_

He froze once the power went out and they were all submerged in darkness.

"Hahaha, I guess it's one of those surprise power interruptions!" Gintoki laughed loudly to fill in the unsettling silence, nerves still too on edge after watching a horror film. "It's not like it had anything to do with the movie or how that stupid woman died earlier." He found himself remembering how the lights in her apartment had gone out as her husband–

It's just a stupid film, he reminded himself.

"T-That's true," Hijikata agreed with his own uneasy chuckle. "It's not like there's a married couple in this room that the ghost will be targeting like in the movie, right?"

_You just had to go and say it, didn't you, bastard?!_

"You two really liked the movie that much?" He heard Kagura ask in bewilderment.

For the record, Gintoki would like to make it clear that the unmanly squeak didn't come from him when the phone suddenly started ringing. More importantly, he was just surprised and that was the reason why he ended up tripping on his feet and consequently landing on Hijikata's lap who let out a frightened yelp before shoving him to the ground. His eyes adjusted to the darkness and found Kagura's silhouette approaching the phone.

His eyes widened as he remembered the movie once again.

"Oi! Don't answer that!" Gintoki yelled frantically as he clawed his way on the ground towards her. "Stop! _Stop!_ Didn't you see how it happened earlier? You'll hear a woman predicting how you will die just like when Kozuki-kun answered the phone a while ago!" He tried not to shiver at how eerily this was going.

"What if it's a client?" Kagura huffed, unconcerned.

"T-This is outside Yorozuya's operating hours, right?" The vice-commander remained stock-still on the sofa. "If they're really a client, they can just c-call again tomorrow." He pointed out reasonably.

The Yato made an unconvinced sound.

"Toshi would buy you lunch tomorrow, okay? Just leave the phone alone!" Gintoki compromised meekly as he climbed to his feet.

"Why the hell am _I_ the one buying?!" Hijikata exploded.

"Shut up!" He hissed back. "I'm saving our lives here!"

Though, they didn't need to bargain further since the phone chose that time to stop ringing. At that, Gintoki took advantage of the opportunity to steer the sixteen-year-old back to the sofa and pushed her to occupy the seat beside Hijikata while he took her other side. It was still dark and he would like to make sure that they were all safe. So, huddling together by the sofa was the best way to go.

After a few minutes, there was sharp rapping by the front door.

_Oiiiiii! It's already past midnight! Who the hell would come at this time of the night?!_

"After the husband answered the phone, s-someone came knocking, right?" Hijikata recounted, sounding unsteady. "It was the wife who answered and–"

"I'll go take a look." Kagura abruptly announced as she stood up.

Without a care for his pride, Gintoki shot forward and wrapped his arms around her waist to stop her. All the while thinking that _you just had to go and say it, didn't you?!_ What the hell?! Was that movie cursed or something? Why the hell were they doing a reenactment of it right after they finished it! Also, couldn't this brat read the atmosphere?

"Stop! I-It's just the wind, Kagura-chan!" He wailed out.

"But–"

Hijikata was standing beside her. "He's right, let's just wait this out." He answered solemnly.

With that, they both successfully steered her back to the sofa.

Just as they thought that the coast was clear, the door to the office was suddenly slammed open, making him and Hijikata scream.

"Gintoki! I have come–"

He threw the remote at the intruder's face.

**oOo**

The power's back on. Their late-night visitor turned out to be none other than Katsura Kotarou who was sporting a bleeding nose.

"I tried calling earlier but no one was answering the phone," Katsura informed them, totally ignoring how Gintoki had injured him with the remote. "So, I decided that I must simply show up in person. For that matter, you left your front door unlocked. An enemy could've just entered and killed you in your sleep." He lectured reproachfully, giving Gintoki this very disappointed look as if the silver-haired man should've known better.

"Zura, couldn't it wait tomorrow?" Kagura complained.

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura, Leader." The wig calmly replied.

"When no one answers the door, it means now isn't the right time!" Gintoki yelled as he slammed his hands on the table. "Do you know what time it is, huh?!"

"I didn't mean to scare you and Hijikata–" Katsura tilted his head.

"We weren't scared!" He insisted angrily as he slammed his hands again. "You're a trespasser!" He accused.

"What did you come here for, Katsura?" Hijikata calmly demanded, totally ignoring the insinuation that he'd been frightened earlier.

 _We were looking for you_ , Elizabeth, who was seated beside the long-haired samurai, answered as he raised his signboard.

"Yes, we went to the Shinsengumi earlier in the afternoon but Kondo told us that you have taken residence at Gintoki's house." Katsura crossed his arms over his chest as his gaze, predictably, moved towards the new attraction of Yorozuya Gin-chan before shifting back towards the vice-commander. "And I see that what he said was true. You two really went ahead and got married. I must say, Hiji– Sakata-kun, I didn't expect that your tastes will be that of a lazy, perm-headed and annoying samurai." He shook his head exasperatedly.

"Oi, Zura, why do you sound like he's been cursed with me?" Gintoki's eye twitched.

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura."

"They have weird tastes," Kagura agreed beside him.

He grew more annoyed when Hijikata had the nerve to nod at Katsura's words.

"You have no idea what I've been through." The bastard declared defeatedly.

"What's so urgent about talking to Hijikata-kun that couldn't wait until tomorrow?" He groused irritably while thinking of ways that he could kill his once-comrade because this shitty long-haired man still owed him a ton about that drinking contest disaster that led them here.

 _How awful,_ Elizabeth suddenly remarked as he turned to face Gintoki.

"What?"

"Gintoki," Katsura sighed with a click of his tongue. "You're already married and you still address him by his former name? He's been carrying yours and you don't even have enough respect for him to honor that?" He demanded with a glare.

" _What?_ "

"There's been a misunderstanding–" Hijikata tried to intervene.

"No, let me handle him, Sakata-kun." The wig cut him off before turning to Gintoki with disapproving eyes. "That's not how lovers or married couples address each other. You two are already married and past the age of using the terms like ' _kareshi_ ' or ' _koibito_ ', not to mention that it just sounds improper to hear from grown men. ' _Anata_ ' would've been more appropriate but I just don't see Gintoki being sweet like that regardless of the sugar in his bloodstream."

 _Shame on you, useless husband._ Elizabeth raised a signboard, shaking a finger at him.

"Oi, how the hell did it come to this?" Gintoki shook with barely contained rage, face twitching.

"Leader, what does Sakata-kun call Gintoki?" Katsura turned to Kagura.

The Yato shrugged and counted with her fingers. "Mostly, he calls him Yorozuya, idiot, perm head, sometimes honey or darling, idiot, occasionally sweetheart, and idiot."

_Oi, just how much does this bastard call me an idiot? Also, you forgot to mention how he sounds like he's cursing me when he calls me honey!_

"Do you see now?" The long-haired samurai gestured to Kagura as if his earlier argument was completely justified. _Which was not_. "Although he doesn't address you by your given name, he's been using his own nicknames and terms of endearment for you. Are you really that much of disgrace not to be able to do that much? You're a grown man, Gintoki. We're not kids anymore. I can't keep picking up after you."

Before he could do something drastic like, say, murder this moron before him, Hijikata cut in.

"I think things are fine like this," The vice-commander commented.

"I see how it is," Katsura's eyes lit up with some sort of weird realization. "So, you two are simply embarrassed about addressing each other by your first names. T-That's so _pure_." His expression softened as he wiped an imaginary tear.

 _Aww_ , Elizabeth said despite his completely impassive appearance.

"Gross." Kagura spat in disgust.

"Who the hell is embarrassed?!" They both glowered before turning to glare at each other.

"You say it first." Hijikata declared.

"No, you say it first." He smirked at him. "If you're really that nervous, you can just refer to me as Gin-san–"

"Gintoki." was the murmured reply.

"What?" His eyes widened, feeling his cheeks warm at the sound of his name coming from this man.

He could count the number of times this man had called him by his given name in the years that they'd known each other on the fingers of one hand and he would still have enough fingers to pick his nose with.

"Gintoki," The bastard declared more confidently once he saw the obviously rattled expression that the silver-haired man was sporting. _Damn you_. "Now, who's the one embarrassed? Also, for the record, I would like to say that you are an annoying bastard, _Gintoki_." And there he went again in making it sound like a cross between a threat and being the vilest curse on earth. Couldn't the others hear it?!

He scowled.

"I'm _not_ embarrassed," He ignored the part of him that felt nervous. "Well, you're the most uptight asshole I know, _Toshirou_ -kun. You have no room to talk." He bared his teeth into a wide toothy grin at the blush that made itself present on the other's face.

Hiji– _no_ , it's Toshirou now, right? _Toshirou_ gritted his teeth at him.

"Splendid!" Katsura clapped his hands in delight, staring at them like a proud mother who had just witnessed her children get the spellings of their names right while Kagura gagged in the background. "I knew that Sakata-kun would be able to make Gintoki move. Kondo was right, you're made for each other. Why didn't I see this sooner? All the things I could've gotten away with if Gintoki had seduced the Shinsengumi Vice-Commander early on…" He clenched his hand into a fist.

"Oi, watch it." Hi– _Toshirou_ warned, still blushing.

Gintoki had always known that he and the man clicked well together and there had always been a part of him that wondered if they would ever really work out if one of them made that move.

Until they were put into this circumstance. And he knew.

 _Katsura-san, we have to go_ , Elizabeth suddenly interjected, looking at his cellphone before flipping it close.

"It's that time already, eh?" With that, the man stood up from his seat and still not wiping his bleeding nose. "I believe that duty calls. Till we see each other again, Sakata-kun, Gintoki, Leader." He nodded at each of them before he trotted towards the door with his beloved pet following dutifully after him.

It wasn't until they all heard the front door closing that Gintoki suddenly remembered one thing.

"Why did that idiot even come here in the first place?!"

**oOo**

That night, Gintoki couldn't sleep.

Although his mind had been distracted by Katsura's abrupt appearance, he hadn't forgotten what they'd been doing before that moron showed up. So, right now, he was still very much awake and staring into the dark. Thankfully, there were no ringing phones or people knocking on doors. But that woman's ghost could be creeping about anywhere. There was still too much of a coincidence before the wig showed up.

He turned to his roommate who had his back turned to him.

"Oi," He called out in a whisper.

No answer.

"Pst! Toshirou-kun!" Gintoki hissed urgently.

"What?!" The bastard growled softly and turned to glare at him.

"It's cold here," He lied. Like hell he'd tell the bastard the truth. "Can Gin-san come closer there? I swear that I'll keep my hands to myself and I won't do anything inappropriate." He shuddered when he heard scratching sounds coming outside and had to reassure himself that that was probably Sadaharu, though he could've sworn that the vice-commander's shoulders shook at the noise as well.

"Then grab more blankets!" The man then turned his back on him once again.

He frowned in annoyance. With his blanket wrapped around him, Gintoki stood up and pulled his futon closer to T-Toshirou's own until it practically overlapped. Another scratching sound was heard and he immediately laid back down and shifted even closer to the man.

"D-Did you hear that?" He whispered. _He was not scared, okay?!_

The bastard froze, turning to him again before spluttering. "Oi, you're too close!" He complained as he tried to kick him off.

"You still have your sword with you, right?" Gintoki asked, making the other stop in his attack.

"S-So?"

"If I really do anything, you can try and stab me, deal?" He just knew that he was going to regret these words for some reason as he tried to get comfortable.

Toshirou relented with a sigh. "Fine."

**oOo**

He was flipping through his Jump while lying on the sofa one afternoon when Kagura's drama was cut off in favor of the news. It sounded like a live coverage of some ongoing incident. Not that they had any shortage of those even after that final battle with the Tendoshuu. There would always be those kinds of scum out there. He wouldn't have thought anything from it until Kagura urgently pulled on his sleeve while pointing at the TV.

"Gin-chan, look it's Toshi!" She sounded worried so Gintoki heaved a sigh and put down his Jump.

"What happened?" He questioned as he sat up.

"There's been a hostage situation," Shinpachi informed him as he sat beside him. "They got ahold of the whole building and I think Sakata-san is trying to negotiate with them." He seemed tense, eyes fixated on the screen.

They all watched as the Shinsengumi Vice-Commander calmly walked towards the doors of the… KuriKekkon Agency?

"What–"

He didn't get to finish that thought as he watched the bastard get shot before falling over. On live television. The teens screamed the vice-commander's name.

Without a second thought, Gintoki grabbed his bokutō and ran.

* * *

_**TBC.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the ongoing final chapter were longer for some reason.  
> Well, my birthday's coming soon. I'll try and see if I can post the final chapter on that day as a treat to myself since I'm stuck in the house due to restrictions about going outside and to stay safe of course.  
> Thanks for all the people who supported this story!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heed the Drama tag.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I posted this earlier than planned but tomorrow's start of work for me so I might not get to post this if I postpone it since I might be busy for a while. Coincidentally, tomorrow's my special day too. Thanks to all who supported this fic!

Gintoki cursed when he remembered that he completely forgot about bringing his broken scooter for repair during the whole mess.

So, he ran.

That morning, he'd woken up to the bastard's futon already folded up. Toshirou always woke up before him like clockwork. It was standard routine by that point. In fact, the man was already in uniform and eating breakfast with Kagura and Shinpachi when Gintoki had finally stepped out of the bedroom. Sadaharu was also by the corner, chewing through his mountain of food. It was the usual morning he'd come to greet but–

"Trouble in paradise, danna?" Okita asked him, seated beside the vice-commander with his own bowl of rice.

Gintoki did a double-take.

_Oi, why do we have an extra here?!_

"What paradise?" He grouched before narrowing his eyes at the captain. "Also, what are you doing here? Don't you have your own cafeteria or something? You're depleting our resources." He pointed out as he took a seat beside Toshirou and grabbed his own bowl of rice handed to him by Shinpachi.

"What resources?" The brat questioned blandly, chewing. "Isn't this just out of your wife's wallet?"

"As I said, _our_ resources." He insisted as Shinpachi also handed him a bowl of miso soup.

"Could you not talk about me like I'm not here?!" Toshirou demanded as he glared at Gintoki in particular over his usual dog food before glowering at Okita. "And who the hell are you calling a wife?! Besides, what are you doing here? This is the only place I can get rid of you so why the hell are you invading this place so early in the morning?!" He demanded angrily, looking one second away from chucking his bowl at the brat's face.

"Yeah, you have your own food so stop stealing ours, yes?" Kagura chewed on her rice aggressively, glaring at the sandy-blonde haired young man.

"What are you talking about China?" Okita plucked a piece of tamago from a plate. "Your boss married my boss so we're practically in-laws now." He declared matter-of-factly.

Toshirou shook with barely contained rage, not even noticing when Gintoki had stolen some of his pickled daikon that hadn't been touched by mayonnaise.

Across from them, Kagura just took the man's untouched bowl of miso.

"What are you guys even doing?!" Shinpachi hissed as soon as he saw what they'd done.

"Eating." He and Kagura answered plainly in tandem.

Well, he had to admit that since the vice-commander started living here, they never had to settle for only having egg-on-rice for every meal. All he had to do was live with the fact that his strawberry milk and pudding were kept in the same refrigerator as the bastard's mayonnaise. In fact, Toshirou _did_ provide the grocery money as long as they included ten bottles of mayonnaise to the list. As long as his place didn't start stinking up of mayo, he figured that it was a small price to pay.

"I'm actually here to fetch Sakata-san." Okita revealed as he put down his now empty bowl and turned to the fuming man. "You'll have to cover for Kondo-san today. He's currently out of commission for the time being." He casually revealed.

"What?!" Toshirou put down his half-eaten meal on the table. "What happened to him?"

"Well, danna's merchant buddy dropped by the other day. Apparently, he almost got accidentally married off to someone." His eyes narrowed at Gintoki here in particular who suddenly found his bowl very interesting. "I don't know the specifics per se but you know our gorilla boss. He tried to set himself up with the boss lady last night. Long story short, he might end up getting married to that cat Amanto that lives downstairs instead. He's still trying to stop the papers from being processed before they get Totsan's attention."

" _EH?!_ " Gintoki's head snapped up in shock, mirrored perfectly by Toshirou and Shinpachi.

_What the hell would even become of a gorilla and a cat?!_

It was a horrifying thought.

"The troops had to fetch his drunk and unconscious ass from some bar last night." Okita delivered calmly, snatching Toshirou's tea and drinking it. "After he finished puking his guts out in the toilet two hours ago, he woke me up and told me about what happened. So, while he goes to fix his mess, you get to deal with being commander for the day." He finished with a shrug.

"At this rate, you're going to have to say goodbye to the Shinsengumi." Kagura mercilessly put in. "That stray cat's a thief, she's gonna bleed your boss dry, yes?" She grabbed the plate of tamagoyaki and proceeded to pour all of it into her mouth.

"You're not helping, Kagura-chan!" Shinpachi berated her, looking torn between being upset at knowing his sister had been set up and being worried about the Shinsengumi's state of affairs.

After that, no one said anything for a moment.

Toshirou then leaned forward and held his head between his hands, letting out a long and agonized groan.

"Kondo-san," He muttered the name like a plea. "Just _why?_ "

"You should really keep a tight leash on that gorilla, Toshirou-kun." Gintoki absently patted the man's back as he took a bite of his meal.

"Like we haven't already tried." The man muttered under his breath. "Besides, your buddy is a menace." He retorted.

 _He's not my buddy!_ He glared.

The vice-commander abruptly stood up.

"You know what, I can't eat like this." Toshirou announced as he grabbed his jacket by the back of the sofa. "We still have the morning assembly and I need to see the work Kondo-san left for today. He can take care of his engagement." He nodded decisively at this, apparently having temporarily blocked off the craziness that his commander had brought to their doorstep and thinking that he couldn't deal with another marriage fiasco.

"That's my cue, I guess." Okita spoke as he stood up as well and stepped away from the sofa, followed by Toshirou.

"Don't forget my donuts, Toshi!" Kagura chimed in as the vice-commander was placing his sheathed sword by his hip.

"Please take care at work, Sakata-san. I'm sure that mess with Kondo-san will eventually sort itself out," were Shinpachi's encouraging words. "and donuts _do_ sound nice." He had tacked on with a small hesitant laugh.

"Buy Gin-san a carton of strawberry milk on your way back." Gintoki had yawned.

Toshirou glared at all of them.

"I already told you to stop treating me like a bank account!" He had groused through gritted teeth but all of them simply ignored his words as he finally stepped out with the Shinsengumi Captain at his heels. Though, they all knew that he would be bringing back donuts later while Gintoki had to pray that the day would put the man in a good mood to get his strawberry milk because it had always been a fifty-fifty chance when it came to his own requests. Though, hearing about Kondo, he guessed that he had to try again next time.

That was the last time he'd seen the bastard that day.

Since he and the kids didn't have any jobs for the day, they had stayed at home. Nothing in his or the bastard's horoscope that day told them that one of them would be trying to negotiate a hostage situation. It also didn't say that one of them would end up getting shot. Even then, Gintoki could only watch from the TV as the idiot carelessly walked towards the building of the agency that had been a catalyst for their own mess and go down like that.

_Oi, you are so gonna owe Gin-san strawberry milk after this!_

So, he ran.

**oOo**

By the time he got there, there was already a sizable crowd outside the building.

Gintoki had to push his way through the throng of people to get to the front. Even then, he had to elbow a couple of them out of the way. Though, he almost tripped when the flow shifted for a minute and someone stepped up beside him. Before he was aware of what was happening, the people also tried to squeeze their way to see what was going on. He gritted his teeth as he found himself unable to push his way in.

Eye twitching, he grabbed the shoulder of the nearest tall person and hauled himself up.

"Hey!" The man yelled at him.

"Sorry, onii-chan, coming through!" He placed one foot on the man's head and grinned as he pushed himself off in one long leap.

He miscalculated the distance as he got past the police blockade and barreled right into Robozaki who was attempting to calm the crowd down. His forehead smacked onto the cyborg's steel chest and they rolled away a couple of times before they came to a stop and laid sprawled side by side on the ground. Ugh, what was that thing made of? There couldn't be any possible trace of human flesh left in there! The bump he could feel growing on his forehead could attest to that!

"W-What hit me?" The cyborg, who was in his mobcop regalia, groaned while Gintoki sat up and cradled his head.

_I'm the one who should be asking that!_

"Is that Yorozuya danna?" He heard one of the officers whisper.

"It is!" An elated voice joined in.

"It's our vice-commander's husband!" Another one rejoiced loudly.

"Of course, he'd come!" Someone insisted matter-of-factly in a way that conveyed that it should've been a given. "He probably saw what happened to the vice-commander earlier! Even before they got married, he always came to help Hiji– _Sakata_ -san." He pointed out and there were murmurs of assent from the group while whispers started spreading throughout the crowd that he'd just broken out of a moment ago.

_Oi, who said that? Why are you talking about it for all these people to hear?!_

He staggered to his feet as he stood up, ignoring the stares burning at the back of his head and the whispers.

"Just in time, danna." Okita remarked as the officers parted to make way for him. "You're exactly the guy we need right now." His voice was so flat that Gintoki didn't know if he should take him seriously.

"What's happening?" He asked instead, tentatively patting the throbbing lump on his forehead and wincing. _Where's that bastard?_

"To be honest, a lot of things are still pretty hazy." The sadist admitted as he and Gintoki strode forward to eye the building whose windows were shut close by steel bars, probably a security feature of the building, and only the glass doors by the front were accessible. "The only reason the situation reached us this fast is because Kondo-san is still inside trying to fix his mess and decided to contact us. After Sakata-san tried to negotiate terms, they made their demands clear."

The brat's expression remained impassive and he didn't seem to be too worried about the two idiots which meant that things weren't that dire yet. Hell, he'd seen Toshirou taken hostage by that ridiculous mohawk gang two years ago and all the bastard cared about was the three hundred million yen lottery ticket.

"And your boss?" He brows furrowed.

"He's been pulled in there when he was shot," Okita pointed at the doors, specifically at the drops of blood by the steps. "They got him in the leg, it's nothing to worry about." He tacked on, completely unperturbed.

_Oi, that's already worrying!_

"What the hell do those bastards want?" Gintoki crossed his arms over his chest, tapping his foot.

"They're looking for someone who works for this agency but since they're still inside, that someone probably didn't report to work today," The captain shrugged at him. "And since Sakata-san has been taken out like the useless bastard that he's always been, I'm leaving it in your hands to avenge your wife. Go out there and find out who it is they're looking for. The police will support you." Okita patted him on the shoulder which he probably thought was encouraging.

"Hey!"

**oOo**

Gintoki stepped forward towards the building.

Looking over his shoulder, Okita, Robozaki, and the other Shinsengumi officers gave him a thumbs up.

_Why does Gin-san feel like a sacrificial lamb here?!_

There was the belated thought that perhaps this was what had happened to Toshirou earlier and now, he was the second part of the deal. Maybe he shouldn't have been hasty in coming here. But the moment he'd seen the vice-commander go down, his body had simply moved on its own. It was the same thing back then with Matsudaira. When the old man had threatened Toshirou, Gintoki had already pulled out his bokutō, ready to stab. In fact, Okita wasn't even surprised to see him here.

"Oi, Criminal-san, the husband of the Shinsengumi Vice-Commander you shot earlier is here to talk to you." Okita spoke from behind him using a megaphone. "He used to be a wanted criminal so feel free to tell him whatever you want." He announced loudly and the whispers behind Gintoki's back seemed to get even more frantic.

 _What the hell Okita-kun?! That's why you need_ me?!

The phone in Gintoki's hand that belonged to Okita started ringing. Flipping it open and looking at the screen, he saw that the assailants were using Kondo's phone to communicate. This close, he could see armed men stationed near the glass doors and the hostages were seated at the far back. He couldn't see any signs of the gorilla or the vice-commander though. Still, he answered the call and brought it to his ear.

"Are you really the husband?" came the rather skeptical demand before he could put a word in.

"Oi, what's with that tone?" Gintoki glowered, offended.

"You just don't look like the kind of person this vice-commander would be marrying. After all, that police officer said that you used to be a wanted criminal." The unknown man told him bluntly and his tone sounded so fucking judgmental that it made him grit his teeth. "Also, what the fuck are you carrying with you?" There was now disbelief in there that made Gintoki's lips twitch in an effort to smother a grin.

He stared down at the object in his hands. It was a medium-sized picture frame containing the picture of one Sakata Toshirou.

"…why does it look like he's already mourning him?" Another man's voice asked from the line.

"Do you know why I came here?" He asked instead.

"To negotiate for the hostages?" It was a rhetorical question and Gintoki could practically _hear_ how the other rolled his eyes at him.

He cleared his throat.

"I came here because the last words I said to that bastard was for him to buy Gin-san strawberry milk on his way back." He answered quietly as he brought the frame to his chest and the silence from the other line told him that the man was listening. "I thought your goons killed him so I came here as fast as I could. Before that happens, I just want to change my last words to him." Gintoki continued somberly.

"Wait, I'm going to put this on speaker so you can tell him yourself." was the rather thoughtful reply.

There was some shuffling and the buzz of confusion in the background.

Ah, the sound of crying gorilla reached his ears. So, the idiot was alive after all. Good for him.

"He's listening." The man's voice seemed far away now.

At that, Gintoki cleared his throat once again. He was thankful that he was too far for the Shinsengumi and other people to properly hear. Though, he hoped that the phone was distant from the other hostages because Gin-san would get stage fright otherwise. From his vintage point, he couldn't see anyone who moved so that meant this stupid mastermind was somewhere else in the building with the leaders of Shinsengumi.

He was really going to do this, wasn't he?

"So, uh, Toshirou-kun." He flailed for a moment before straightening his shoulders. "These last few weeks were a fucking disaster." He cleared his throat again. "But they were surprisingly, uh, livelier? More chaotic? With you around. Everyone got used to it. _I_ got used to it. So, you know, you can't just freely go out there and be shot down by some third-rate thugs like this. It would look bad on the husband." He swallowed and felt sweat gathering at his brow.

"…is this an overdue love confession?" Someone whispered in the background from the other line.

Gintoki ignored that and persevered.

"You surprisingly adapted well, given the situation." His voice became strained and he was practically sweating buckets by now. "You didn't have to do most of the stuff you did for us, especially the kids but I really, ah, appreciate it. So, I guess, uh, good fight?" He chuckled nervously.

"What the–" Someone shushed him.

"You're not so bad yourself either," He continued in a much quieter voice. "We've been through a lot together and the others did always say that we get along really well even if we fight a lot. But I'd like to think that that's our way of getting along. See, even if we're both idiots, we somehow made whatever mess this was supposed to be work, right? For a while, we've been a good team, right?"

Were those sniffles he heard there?

_Oi, just how many people are listening in on this?!_

"And I just wanted you to know…" Gintoki trailed off as he exhaled loudly.

Someone held their breath.

Gintoki hugged the picture frame to his chest.

"…that you still haven't signed up for a life insurance. So, you can't go dying just like that on your husband, you hear?" He continued, sounding as miserable as he could while gripping the phone tightly in his hand as his shoulders shook.

" _That's what you wanted to tell me, you stupid piece of shit?!_ " Toshirou roared in the background.

Great, the idiot was still alive. Make more noise next time, goddamn it. Gin-san almost went out of words there!

"Of course!" Gintoki retorted just as angrily. "I was scared when I saw what happened on TV! Because Gin-san remembered that he wouldn't get any yen if you suddenly died like that! If you're gonna be married to me, at least have the decency to leave me a fortune!" He reasoned out, feeling his chest loosen.

The angry mutterings suddenly became inaudible.

"Okay, that's enough of that." The man's voice came back clearer this time which meant he'd removed it from speaker and the exasperation in his voice was all too clear. "You've said what you had to and we can't keep doing this whole day. There's someone who's been hiding from us for days now. Just give us that idiot who caused all this mess and we'll let go of everyone." He stated his terms clearly and on point.

If this asshole hadn't had his minions shoot down the vice-commander, Gintoki was even inclined to think that they weren't that bad.

"Fine," Gintoki rolled his eyes. "Shoot, give us a name. What did that supposed idiot even do?"

"That idiot told me that my guys and I could get free alcohol if I become a couple for the night with this old hag. But he didn't tell me that I'll get married off for real! Now the ward office is refusing our divorce and that hag is bleeding us dry as compensation!" He roared, breaking his calm and sounding very incensed. _What? This again?!_ "I don't care if you have to turn Edo inside out! Just give us _Hasegawa Taizou!_ " The man growled.

At that, something seemed to have finally come loose in Gintoki's brain.

**oOo**

Gintoki crossed his arms at the back of his head.

"I totally won the contest, Hijikata-kun!" He grinned as he walked side by side with the vice-commander.

"What the hell are you on about?" Hijikata scoffed at him, face and neck flushed the same way Gintoki's probably was. "I totally won that one! Katsura said so earlier, didn't he? He pointed at me before he passed out!" He declared with a rather smug smirk.

Gintoki frowned.

"That's because he's declaring that you lost and probably asking for the loser's last words." He huffed and glared at the dark-haired man challengingly.

"Who the hell are you calling a loser, huh?" Hijikata grabbed him by the collar of his yukata. "I totally finished that glass first! You were too busy yelling about stupid things earlier! Besides, it's your fault that we got kicked out from the first bar! Ugh, I hope they don't send the bill for the damages to the Shinsengumi. It's going to be another headache to deal with." He released Gintoki as he rubbed a hand down his tired face.

"What do you mean my fault?!" He argued indignantly. "It was all Sakamoto's fault! Have you seen what he's done to the drinks? And he's bothering other people, we'd get kicked out sooner or later anyway. Besides, no need to worry your mayo-brain over it. I made sure to point them to Zura." Gintoki nonchalantly mentioned.

"Fine, I'll tell Sougo to forward the bill to him if it ever reaches the barracks." Hijikata eventually relented as he crossed his arms over his chest.

To be honest, Gintoki couldn't recall who had really won. He'd been so busy laughing at Kondo making a fool of himself at the last bar. Okita had threatened the people who'd tried to take a video of the spectacle the Shinsengumi Commander had made of himself. Even cutting down a few phones in the process while recording it himself. Dancing on top of the bar counter in his underwear and even volunteering his body to be used for body shots for their contest and for the other female patrons. It was fucking hilarious.

Katsura had passed out after the seventh shot and Okita had bid them farewell to bring Kondo back in order to stop him from making an even bigger scene.

Now, though, he was alone with the bastard. When was the last time he'd shared a drink with this man again? Was it last week or two years ago?

"Hey, what do you say we finish that contest?" Gintoki suddenly said.

"And drink some more?" The vice-commander's brows furrowed. "Haven't we already had enough?" He seemed almost confused.

"I guess you will have to stay as the loser then." He stuck his tongue out childishly.

"As if!" Hijikata snorted before glowering at him for his comment. "Do you even have the money to pay for the next round? You sure sound cocky for someone who probably doesn't have a yen to his name. Don't think I haven't noticed that you've been pushing the tabs all this time on the others." His eyes narrowed at him and Gintoki carefully avoided his gaze because he'd thought that he was being sneaky about it. Che, nothing escaped this bastard.

Before Gintoki could argue his case, someone tapped him on the shoulder.

"Are you two looking for some night of entertainment and free drinks?" Hasegawa grinned at them, dressed in the tackiest suit he'd seen on him along with a neon puke-green tie that's starting to hurt his eyes and make him want to vomit.

"If this is some way to get free drinks for yourself, then no fucking way." Gintoki was quick to dissuade because he honestly had no money and all he had to his name were existing tabs.

"Nothing like that, Gin-san!" Hasegawa was quick to deny. "I got a job at a local agency. We have this event that's for couples. Just be our 'Couple for the Night' and you'll have free drinks and food provided at the bar down the block!" He lifted up the signboard in his arms that was probably the promotion for said event, written that the celebration will be shouldered by the company and all they needed was a married couple.

This could work after all.

"So, uh, I guess this is my cue to leave." Hijikata suddenly remarked as he turned back.

Gintoki's hand shot out and grabbed him by the back of his collar.

"Where are you going, bastard?" Gintoki grinned at him. "Didn't you hear what he said? _Free_ drinks?"

"For _couples_!" Hijikata hissed in his grasp. "So, go find yourself a woman to drink with, you shitty perm!" The man growled at him, trying to dislodge Gin-san's tight grip on his collar to no avail.

"Why do I need to go look when I have the perfect person to play hubby with right here?" Gintoki found himself saying and he probably had too much to drink already because, deep inside, he knew that he would never blurt these words out sober or if he was in the right state of mind. "Are you saying that you can't keep up with me, after all? If you admit that, then we'll let this go and just go home." With those words, he released Hijikata and watched him go red in the face.

He didn't know why but some part of him felt giddy, already breathless to hear Hijikata's answer for some reason.

For a moment, the vice-commander was quiet.

Then he glared at Gintoki, actually turning his nose up at him. This absolute dork.

"Then, I guess we better go then, _honey_." The bastard grinned at him, all teeth and snark.

Gintoki simply laughed as he slung an arm around the man and turned to Hasegawa who now started to look nervous.

"Lead the way, Hasegawa-san!"

**oOo**

Neon puke-green tie.

_Neon puke-green tie._

**_Neon puke-green tie._ **

Gintoki remembered seeing the madao by the café last time. Was it days or weeks ago? No wonder he'd been treated to a parfait! As if that was enough to make up for all that happened! It was all that shitty man's fault that they'd been in this mess to begin with! Ugh, why couldn't that memory come to him sooner? So, he could've beaten up that madao. He'd been so vague that night! He hadn't explained that it was a promo for people who actually _wanted_ to get married.

Remembering that he was still in the middle of negotiation, he turned back to the phone.

"You want a piece of that idiot?" Gintoki bit out through clenched teeth. "Then you'll have to fall in line because I'm going to beat the shit out of him first."

There was stunned silence.

Followed by ugly sobbing that was definitely not the gorilla.

"Y-You too?" The man blubbered out.

Before Gintoki could reply though, there was an explosion from within the building and the sound of panicked voices reached his ears. Fucking _finally_. Goddamn it. With that, he flipped the phone close and pulled out his bokutō. He didn't need to do much since Shimaru was already cutting down the thugs while Robozaki and the others herded the hostages through the broken wall by the back of the building. The receptionist, Minako, even gave him an enthusiastic wave before disappearing.

He tossed the phone back to Okita who stepped up beside him and caught it.

"Took you guys long enough," Gintoki grunted in annoyance. "Gin-san had to deliver a speech just to keep them distracted! Have the police competence really gone down in two years?" He mocked the captain.

"Well, you have a way with words, danna." The brat shrugged at him unrepentantly. "And the construction around the commercial district is far sturdier so our resident Mechazaki had a hard time drilling his way from underground." He pointed out bluntly as most of the men stormed the place.

From one of the offices, Kondo stepped out with Toshirou's arm around his shoulder to support him. His thigh was wrapped with bandages rather sloppily, red having seeped through it.

As soon as the vice-commander's eyes landed on the captain, he promptly threw his phone at Okita's head who just tilted his head to dodge.

"Toshi, calm down–" The tear-stained gorilla tried to say.

"After you left all the work to me, this is the thanks I get?" Okita clicked his tongue in mocking reprimand.

"What do you mean leave you all the work?! You guys were the ones who decided for me to play bait in order to get inside and send you messages about the situation here!" Toshirou hissed angrily, eyes turning just a shy away from being demonic. "It's your fault that I got shot in the first place! If you hadn't threatened to shoot them with a bazooka, they wouldn't have even fired at me!" He breathed heavily.

_So, it was your fault from the start?!_

For a moment, Okita didn't say anything.

"Fine." The sadist simply went to Toshirou's other side and took his other arm to place around his shoulders. "Five bottles of mayonnaise and nothing more." He said with finality.

Toshirou sighed, probably figuring out that it was the closest thing he'd get as an apology.

Then, his blue eyes landed on Gintoki and he promptly turned red.

"I would never apply for life insurance, you damn perm." He settled for saying, ears glowing red.

"Did something happen?" Okita was quick to seize an opportunity when he saw one.

"Nothing." They both blurted out at the same time as they glared at each other, making the sadist eye them suspiciously.

Off to the side, Kondo just shook his head with a smile.

**oOo**

Gintoki sighed, head on the bar counter.

"–KuriKekkon Agency will be closed until further notice." Hanano Saki's voice drifted to his ears. "After some investigation, the recent influx of marriages was processed through them and a lot of complaints from 'accidental' couples have cropped up. In response to this, the company had released a statement that it will shoulder all the divorce reparations for those who wished to dissolve their marriage." She reported matter-of-factly.

"However, the Prime Minister had released a declaration right after that the reparation fees for the divorces caused by KuriKekkon would be waived in lieu of the incident," She continued. "Claiming that the process for the civil marriage system will be reformed. With this, a separate filing system specifically to process the records had been opened–"

He groaned as he tried to tune the news out.

"What the hell's your problem so early in the morning?" Otose gave him a good smack on the head.

"Hey!" Gintoki sat up, rubbing at the assaulted area.

"For that matter, should you really be here when your husband is still at the hospital?" The old hag blew smoke into his face, making him splutter in offense. "The kids were talking about visiting him earlier." She elaborated when she saw his questioning look.

"Well, you heard the news." He shrugged and pointed towards the TV where Hasegawa's wanted poster was displayed. "So, you can also say goodbye to the fucking rent. We can finally go back to our normal lives." He leaned his elbow on the counter and propped his chin by the hand.

"So, that was really the case, huh?" She sounded contemplative instead of disappointed.

"What the fuck do you think?" Gintoki grunted.

"So, that's what got Catherine in such a panic." Otose suddenly commented thoughtfully. "She said something about being tricked into playing zookeeper to a gorilla." She sighed at this as if she should've expected something like this already.

"I'm sure the guy she almost married is glad to be rid of her." He paused. If he could ask anyone about it, she would be the best bet. But. Hm. "Hey, old hag." He called out.

She sighed as she brought down the cigarette from her lips.

"You got something on your mind?" Otose asked patiently, not the least bit demanding.

Gintoki hesitated. Though, at the dry look she gave him, he gave in. "What does it mean to be, you know, married? You've got a husband too, right? At least, before, uh, yeah. But you were married. I guess, uh, I don't even know what I really want to ask, damn it." He rubbed his hands through his curls in agitation, why the hell was he having a hard time talking about this shit? But during the hostage negotiation, the words just came out without pause.

Otose smiled at him. "Marriage doesn't have to mean tying yourself down to someone. With Tatsugorou, I simply saw it as finding someone who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with." Her eyes became glazed with nostalgia that made Gintoki squirm in discomfort. "Through the good or bad times, it didn't matter. When I thought of it like that, it doesn't sound so scary, does it?"

"What? Who's scared here?!" He drew himself up indignantly.

"Gintoki," She clicked her tongue at him. "Have you taken a good long look at your wedding photo? The only time I ever saw you that happy was with the kids. And that's not even mentioning that vice-commander."

He did. Almost every day. Especially since it was the first thing he saw once he entered the office.

"We were drunk." Gintoki argued.

"Alcohol can do many things but faking emotions isn't one of them." Otose huffed before taking a long drag from her cigarette. "The feelings were true enough that you both agreed rather easily to be married to each other whether you thought that it was fake or not." She raised an eyebrow at him to refute her statement.

Gintoki looked away. "It was _free_ booze." He insisted. "Besides, it's not like it was the first time I had to play a role when things needed to be done. I'm the Yorozuya, you know." He thought of how he and Tsukuyo once had to pretend to be a couple to get into a gang, how he sometimes went as Paako in the Okama Club to earn some extra cash on the side, or simply how he'd concoct a sob story to get free stuff.

Though, it wasn't exactly a role when he slept with him too, was it?

"Then tell me," Otose spoke in a tone like an attorney who had a rather incriminating evidence that would convict him of guilt. "If that was simply the case, why do you look like someone pulled out your balls and stomped on it when talking about the divorce?"

His face promptly scrunched up.

"Didn't you hear me? I just told you no one's going to pay the rent anymore!" He insisted irritably. "And don't talk about my balls like that, you hag!" He grimaced.

"That's nothing new," She had the nerve to roll her eyes at him. At _him_! "Besides, I thought going back to your normal life was what's important so it shouldn't matter." She pointed out wryly.

For a moment, he didn't say anything before groaning once again, rubbing a hand down over his face.

" _Whaaaaat?_ " He settled for whining instead.

Otose shook her head at him.

"Even if it was just for a while, was it so bad?"

 _No, it wasn't and that's the issue_.

**oOo**

When he arrived by Toshirou's hospital room, Gintoki did a small jig and waved his arms around.

"Who the fuck are you?" was the rather rude welcome.

At that, he froze. He hadn't visited the bastard no matter how much Kagura and Shinpachi insisted. Not that he was scared or anything. Still, he'd finally relented after that talk with Otose. Though, once he got past the lobby, Gintoki was losing his nerve until he bumped into someone who unknowingly gave him a solution. So, right now, he was standing by the doorway dressed in the brown furry onesie with a bear head while holding strings of balloons.

"I'm Kuma-san!" Gintoki greeted in a high-pitched voice as he stepped into the room.

"If you don't give me a good enough reason why you're here, I'm going to bring out my sword and stab you." The vice-commander calmly threatened, hand already inching towards the sheathed Muramasha by the bedside table.

Gintoki huffed.

"But I'm shy, Vice-Commander-san." He made sure to press his fingers shyly. "Are you really sure you want to do it in here?" He pitched his voice higher and held the cheeks of the bear head.

For a moment, it seemed like the suggestive statement would fly right over the bastard's head before he promptly burst into color.

"Not like that, you perverted degenerate!" Toshirou growled at him, whole face tinted pink. "I'm telling you that I'm gonna _kill_ you!" He spoke insistently, embarrassment clouding his features.

"You're right, you're probably more the type who'd get stabbed there." He noted thoughtfully.

"You really wanna die, don't you?!"

"Ah, please don't murder Kuma-san." Gintoki continued speaking in his fake voice as he stepped forward towards the chair beside the man's bed. "He's very sensitive, you know? I only come to the hospital rooms of people in need of cheering up! Since all the kids already met Kuma-san, I've been wandering around here and saw your grumpy face! If you frown more like that, you're gonna get wrinkles!" He shook his finger at the man as he took a seat.

"What the hell's your issue?" The vice-commander now simply looked wary.

"Aren't you _Hijikata_ Toshirou?" Gintoki tilted his head but with the big head piece, he doubted that it showed. "The name outside says that this room belongs to _Sakata_ Toshirou, though. Kuma-san is confused!" He tilted his head to the other side this time.

"It shouldn't matter to you." Toshirou deadpanned.

"You can tell Kuma-san anything!" He insisted as he waved his arms about for emphasis.

"Well," The bastard crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back on the pillows. "I guess it shouldn't matter since the whole Edo probably knew by now with what happened two days ago. I'm married to that perm headed bastard you saw on TV." He sighed tiredly at this.

"That's one handsome husband, huh?" Gintoki couldn't help but quip.

"Like hell," Toshirou rolled his eyes. "That fucking perm didn't even show his face here. Some husband he is, huh?"

"Maybe he has his reasons." Gintoki hastily claimed.

"Like what?" Toshirou raised an eyebrow.

"You know, _reasons_." He insisted with a sweep of his hand.

"Right." The vice-commander eyed him skeptically.

"It could be important," Gintoki added.

"Sure." Toshirou replied dryly.

"So, what's it like?" Gintoki opted for a subject change. "To be married?" He blurted out, voice becoming strained.

"Being married to that asshole is a fucking disaster. We're both idiots who jumped straight into it." He snorted, almost amused.

"Sounded like you skipped too many steps, huh?" He murmured quietly and, for a moment, he forgot to mask his voice which he hastened to rectify. "W-What Kuma-san means is that you and your handsome husband sound like cool folks! That's all! Like playing snake and ladders, you rolled the dice and you both climbed up from tile number 6 straight to 100." He gestured wildly with his hands, voice pitched high again and hoping the other didn't notice his slip.

Toshirou's brows furrowed.

"When you say it like that, you make us sound like impulsive idiots." He shook his head with a small smile.

At that, Gintoki paused.

Yeah, they had always been idiots.

So, without further ado, he reached for the vice commander's left hand. The man tensed in his hold but Gintoki ignored that in favor of grabbing one string balloon from his collection and proceeding to tie it around the other's wrist. He made sure to tie the knot twice and fastened it with complicated loops just to give the bastard a hard time later which would no doubt irritate him until he'd simply settle for cutting it off with his sword.

"There! That should cheer you up!" He clapped his hands for good measure.

"I'm not a kid." Toshirou sighed but didn't move to take it off.

"Well, Kuma-san's job here is done!" Gintoki announced as he jumped to his feet. "No thanks needed! More grumpy patients to make happy and give away these balloons of doom to." He waved a hand over his shoulder as he made to step out.

He was almost a step away from freedom but then–

"Gintoki," Toshirou called out to him, making him freeze in his tracks. "These last few weeks… weren't so bad." The man told him quietly.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and felt himself smiling.

"Yeah." Gintoki answered before making his exit.

**oOo**

Gintoki didn't know why but he found himself once again drinking with Kondo, Katsura, Toshirou, Okita, and Sakamoto. Though, this time, Mutsu and the kids were with them and they were seated at a rectangular table. As it was, he was already knocking back his third glass of sake. He and Toshirou were seated on one side with Shinpachi, Kagura and Mutsu while Katsura, Sakamoto, Kondo, and Okita were seated across from them.

"So, you guys decided to stay married?" Sakamoto laughed as if he just hadn't almost tied the knot with a very vindictive S kunoichi.

"Well, I can sleep in peace at their place without someone trying to assassinate me every minute." Toshirou answered as he took languid sips of his sake. "And it would be a hassle to move out at this point when I've gotten used to that hellhole." He snorted at this.

"Don't worry, I'm protecting Toshi's chastity from Gin-chan." Kagura declared through a mouthful of chicken.

_Oi, you mean always kicking me off the futon in the morning!_

"There's no need for that when Sakata-san's d*ck and a**hole belongs to danna, China." Okita rolled his eyes as he snatched a chicken wing from her plate that easily dissolved into an argument between the two while the vice-commander went bright red and promptly spat out the alcohol he'd been in the middle of drinking right into Sakamoto's face who merely laughed uproariously at the rather crude remark.

"Sougo, shut the fuck up you damn brat!" Toshirou screamed as he chucked his chopsticks at the other's head who neatly dodged.

Gintoki felt his cheeks grow warm but, otherwise, ignored that line of conversation.

"I have an announcement to make." Katsura suddenly cut in, staring at all of them solemnly.

"Don't tell me that you also got married, Zura!" Sakamoto laughed beside him.

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura." The long-haired samurai clicked his tongue in annoyance before he brought out a smartphone. "It was something that I meant to tell Sakata-kun before Elizabeth and I needed to leave last time. That night we went out drinking, I actually met someone. It was a fated meeting, I must say. If you guys hadn't left me behind to cover the bill at that bar, I wouldn't have met this person." He stated dramatically, clutching his chest.

"Congratulations, Katsura-san!" Shinpachi was the first one to greet him.

"Thank you, Shinpachi-kun." The man accepted the heartfelt words with a small nod.

"T-That sounds great, Katsura." Kondo offered as well but his smile kept twitching. "While I'm still being rejected by Otae-san, people around me kept getting together." He cried silently as tears streamed down his face and probably remembering the last time that he'd tried something, he'd almost ended up tied to Catherine.

Sakamoto slung an arm over his shoulder.

"Don't worry, Tendo-san. We can visit the cabaret later and see Otae-chan and Oryou-chan!" The brunet suggested enthusiastically as Kondo turned sparkling eyes at him.

"Of course–!"

Sakamoto went down backwards as a sake bottle nailed him in the face.

"If I have to hunt you down again, I'm gonna start chaining you to the ship." Mutsu calmly remarked as she ate, acting like she hadn't performed any acts of violence. "Sarutobi Ayame gave quite the pointers in order to keep you in line. If I have to deal with another transaction that _you_ scheduled without you there, I'm gonna have to resort to those measures." The older Yato threatened serenely.

There was something that sounded like keening noise.

Everyone ignored Sakamoto.

"So, what is it that you have to tell me?" Toshirou directed the conversation back to its original track as he stared at Katsura.

"That better be important considering how you invaded my house in the middle of the night." Gintoki grumbled, narrowing his eyes.

"Patience is a virtue you should always abide by, Gintoki." Katsura scolded him, frowning. "I was merely there to tell you that I might not be as active in helping out the Shinsengumi in the coming months. Elizabeth had agreed to stand in for me when the situation arises and Oba-Z will still keep showing up." He informed the vice-commander, probably pertaining to the temporary truce between him and the Shinsengumi.

Toshirou knitted his brows.

"Did you end up married after all?" He asked slowly.

That was a valid question because that had been a recurring theme lately.

"Nonsense," Katsura waved off as he fiddled with his smartphone. "I met a talent manager that night. We're still currently negotiating contracts but I finally got a job that's outside of terrorism, police work or politics." With that, he finally showed them what he'd been doing with his phone.

Gintoki blinked.

What. _What_.

"You're looking at the new model for T**T!" Katsura boasted as he showed them the Inst*gram account of said famous brand, particularly at the photo of him dressed in nothing but a dark blue boxer briefs with white lining, chest out and glistening while his long hair fluttered gently around his face. "Apparently, seeing me mostly naked at that bar made the manager admire me! So, on that front, support my new career by following my new Inst*gram and Tw*tter account, would you? Just search for @ItsKatsura–"

"What kind of career even is that?!" Shinpachi exploded, obviously retracting his congratulations.

"You really have no shame, Zura." Kagura blankly commented.

Katsura tried to correct his name to the Yato but Okita cut in.

"Tell me your account details and I'll make you famous in the internet." The sadist offered, sounding almost gracious if one didn't know him but the former Joui turned to him hopefully.

"Really–?" His eyes sparkled.

Gintoki copied Mutsu's earlier technique and proceeded to bash the idiot's face in with a bottle.

"I'm not gonna pay for that." Toshirou sighed before knocking back a glass.

**oOo**

His predicament started out like this.

Gintoki groaned as light seemed to drill its way through his eyelids, giving him no choice but to grace the world of the living once again. Though, he wondered if he slept on the wrong side of his futon because the sun came from his left when it would usually wake him from his right. Blinking sluggishly, he found his hand patting the space on his right since he and Toshirou started sleeping together.

Instead of getting ahold of the man himself, his hand met empty air.

At that, he frowned.

"What the…?" He murmured under his breath as he stared at the side and noted that the bed was elevated. This wasn't a futon.

For a blissful ignorant minute, Gintoki stared.

Slowly, very slowly, his gaze swept around the western-styled room and finally took in the situation he found himself in properly. One, this obviously wasn't his room. Two, while he wasn't naked, he was only dressed in his strawberry boxers. Three, his mouth tasted like someone died in it. Four, his knees really ached for some reason. Five, his clothes were haphazardly discarded by the corner of the room along with another person's.

Lastly, _he wasn't alone_.

Unlike when this last happened, Gintoki wasn't nervous this time. Though, as usual, he'd broken his promise of never drinking too much again. What happened again last night? It was all blurry to him but he had been having too much fun and that was the main reason he'd let himself go again. Hopefully, Toshirou wouldn't get mad this time if he left marks again. Apparently, the first time had made the man take baths separately from the men in the communal baths because the marks took a long time to disappear.

Not to mention, that one time Gintoki had bitten him on the neck and he almost went to work like that until Kagura finally pointed it out.

Yeah, he deserved that black eye.

Turning to the lump beside him, Gintoki felt his lips curve into a fond smile.

With that, he went back under the blankets and tried to snuggle with the other.

Only, _the back was wrong_. It was wider than he remembered. Not to mention, the smell was different as well. Gintoki blinked twice before he slowly retracted his arms. _What happened again last night?_ This couldn't be happening right? At that, he abruptly sat up and pulled the blankets off of the person.

His blood ran cold as he stared at the curled up and _naked_ form of Kondo Isao.

What the fuck?

WHAT THE FUCK–

Gintoki _screamed_.

_Oh my god. What have we done?! How much did we drink last night?!_

That was how Toshirou saw him as he entered the room, still screaming into his hands while Kondo remained dead to the world around him.

He turned to him in a panic. "This isn't what it looks like, Toshirou! Gin-san is a loyal husband, I swear!" He pleaded desperately.

For a moment, the vice-commander stared at him in confusion as he stood beside the bed.

"What?" Then his eyes strayed to the naked Kondo and mostly naked Gintoki and while he braced himself for a fight, the sudden gleam of understanding in those blue eyes made him pause. "Oh, _that_. I'm the one who brought you guys here." He stated matter-of-factly as he sat at the edge of the bed by the silver haired man's side.

" _What?_ "

"Unlike you, I learned my lesson last time." Toshirou rolled his eyes. "So, I didn't drink too much last night and ended up picking up after you guys. Sougo and the kids had gone ahead earlier while Sakamoto was dragged back by his vice-captain. Katsura left before he could get drunk as well. Since the barracks was too far and I can't carry you and Kondo-san back to your house by myself, I just booked a room at this hotel across." The bastard explained.

"So, I'm naked because…?" Gintoki asked almost meekly.

"You vomited on your clothes." Toshirou deadpanned as he tossed him the hotel-issued clean yukata.

"And the gorilla?"

"He has the tendency to lose his clothes while sleeping." The man paused in thought. "Especially when he's drunk."

Oh. _Oh._

Gintoki laughed.

Then he pulled his husband in for a kiss.

* * *

**END.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two idiots accidentally got married and decided to stay married. That's basically the whole fic. Thanks guys for your support of this story!


	5. extra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after the hospital scene. (Toshirou's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I've been thinking if I would add this but I guess this will be the 'come full circle' of the whole fic.

Toshirou stared at the single futon in the middle of the room.

Sure, it was new and larger than the one he used but it didn't change the fact that there was only _one_ of it.

He blinked once. Twice.

Then he turned to the culprit. His so-called husband was preening rather smugly. Gintoki had his arms crossed over his chest and didn't even have the decency to look embarrassed about the whole thing. Just for that, he'd convince China to hide the perm's cups of pudding. She'd listen to him and all he had to do was promise her two tubs of her favorite chocolate ice cream. That was a small price to pay if it would remove the self-satisfied look from this asshole's face.

"What is this?" He asked warily.

"Well," Gintoki drawled with that smirk still fixed on his face. "Since you agreed to stay as Gin-san's loving wife, we have to start making adjustments, you know? And part of every married couple's life is sleeping together." He nodded proudly as if silently congratulating himself for coming up with the idea.

Despite himself, Toshirou felt warmth creeping up his neck all the way to his cheeks.

Breathing out slowly, he started unsheathing his sword.

Gintoki instantly backed away. "Oi, oi! It's not what it looks like, okay?! We're literally just going to sleep together!" He hastened to defend himself.

"I'm not a wife. You have thirty seconds to further justify yourself before I start cutting." Toshirou warned as he pointed his blade.

"We're married." The perm told him matter-of-factly before frowning and stepping up to the vice-commander. "This _has_ got to stop. It was amusing the first few times but now, it's just bordering on ridiculous. Can you at least explain to me why you're so nervous about being so close to me?" He demanded as he reached out and took ahold of Toshirou's blade with two fingers to push it aside, staring at him intensely.

His brows furrowed as his shoulders twitched.

"What do you think?" He demanded sarcastically.

"We had sex," Gintoki deadpanned, making Toshirou splutter at his bluntness. "We're both adults already, so what?" He raised an eyebrow challengingly at him.

Toshirou stared at him. This asshole was so fucking oblivious that he was very tempted to just stab him to end this discussion. How would he even begin explaining about it all to this perm? He knew that despite his reservations, Gintoki was right. They needed to talk about it. The issue wasn't with the perm anyway, it was all on Toshirou. But he just felt so damn awkward about it while this man didn't even have any shameful bone in his body.

But if they really wanted this marriage to continue working, then it needed to be done.

This was what he chose, after all.

Having his sword out and about was counterproductive to that, huh? So, he returned it back to its sheath and placed it by the wall.

"After Mitsuba, there hadn't been anyone else." Toshirou found himself admitting with an explosive sigh, avoiding the perm's gaze and staring at the futon. "I never tried to be intimate with another person because, even if I was the one who walked away and gave up my chance, it always ended up being about her." _Until you._ And he'd dedicated every single day of his life to his sword and the path he chose, leaving no room for that sort of intimacy in his life.

It was never about the sex. He knew well enough how that worked.

But Toshirou had this tendency to fixate on people. And he hated how he knew that there would never be anyone else.

This fucking perm just had to be one of those exceptions.

"So, in short, this is all new to you." Gintoki spoke quietly, stepping up beside him with his own sigh as he rubbed a hand through his curls.

See, this was the reason why he didn't want to talk about it.

He clenched his jaw. He had days to think about it before and he was beyond mortified that he didn't hate what happened between them.

"What I'm telling you is that I'm not used to that kind of closeness." Toshirou gritted out, his cheeks flaring up in embarrassment at the admission. "As you said back at the hospital, 'we skipped too many steps' so when you get close, what I remember about 'getting close' is how you–" He cut himself off because he refused to enumerate all the things that this perm headed bastard had done to him that night. Even now, the feel of those hands and lips was burned into his skin.

"So, that's what Toshirou-kun thinks about all the time?" Gintoki mock-gasped into his hand. "My, how dirty-minded of Vice-Commander-san!"

"Shut up, shitty perm!" He tried to swat him over the head but the other just tilted his head to dodge it.

Toshirou kind of expected this too and it was as infuriating as he'd imagined.

"But lately, it's not as bad, right? And we've been close too before that." Gintoki suddenly said, turning to him with this look of concentration before taking hold of Toshirou's hands, startling him. "There was that time when Okita-kun handcuffed us together. We held hands back then just like this. And we always get in each other's faces when we're arguing, almost like we're going to kiss." The idiot had the fucking nerve to snicker at that.

"W-What's your point?" He tried not to become too flustered at how gentle Gintoki held him.

"So, let's start small." Gintoki proclaimed as he brought up their hands, fingers intertwined with Toshirou's. "See, how does it feel like to be holding hands with Gin-san?" He asked.

"Your hands are sweaty," Toshirou frowned thoughtfully, having never really thought about it when they had to hold hands before. "And they feel kind of cold." His brows furrowed at this, maybe he wasn't holding on tight enough–

The perm yelped. He promptly loosened his hold.

"Ow! _Ow!_ " Gintoki glowered at him. "Are you trying to _break_ my hands?!" He demanded indignantly but, surprisingly enough, didn't retaliate.

"Maybe." Toshirou mumbled.

The silver-haired man rolled his eyes at him.

For a few minutes, neither said anything. And they kind of just stood there. Holding hands. Was this really how couples held hands? How long were they going to keep this up? And were they supposed to be just quiet about it? He tried to meet Gintoki's eyes but the idiot's gaze was firmly locked on their joined hands. It wasn't until the other man started sweating that Toshirou began to have this niggling suspicion.

"You talk big," He started to say. "But you've also never really done this before, have you?" He pointed out dryly.

"W-What are you talking about?" The idiot huffed, stumbling over his words. "There's nothing hard about holding hands! Gin-san's held a lot of hands before!" He defended and he _still_ wouldn't meet the vice-commander's eyes.

Toshirou thought back to all the couples he'd seen before.

With that, he removed his left hand from the perm's hold as his right one gripped Gintoki's left hand firmly. He shifted his fingers until it felt more comfortable before settling it by his side between them. Toshirou knew that he wasn't going to do this in public any time soon (or at all) but, like this, he almost felt more connected to Gintoki than they did that night. There was just something more vulnerable in things as simple as this.

The silence that followed was comfortable. At least, until Gintoki opened his mouth–

"So, can I hug you now?" The idiot blurted out, red eyes meeting Toshirou's blue ones unabashedly.

"Why?" The question was out of his mouth before he could stop it.

Gintoki snorted. "Do I really need a reason?" He shook his head with a small smile. "'Cause I just felt like it, that's all."

What a typical answer from him.

At that proclamation, the silver-haired man abruptly pulled Toshirou against him through their linked hands and proceeded to wrap an arm around his shoulders. His hand was released in favor of having another arm envelop him. He tensed for a moment at the unexpected contact before his shoulders slowly slumped down. He couldn't help but wonder how they would act back then if they'd woken up in each other's arms at that hotel that night instead of panicking right away.

If they hadn't been put into this circumstance, would one of them end up taking _that_ step after all?

"I can't remember the last time I hugged anyone like this." Gintoki suddenly whispered.

"Like I said, you talk big for someone who probably doesn't know what he's doing half the damn time." Toshirou scoffed as he dug his chin as painfully as he could manage on the other's shoulder.

"Oi!" came a warning yelp before the dark-haired man felt something slimy slither by the shell of his ear.

What.

_Did this bastard just do what I think he just did?!_

"Did you just _lick_ my fucking ear?!" He demanded incredulously, feeling the blood rushing to his face.

"You're ruining our moment!" Gintoki claimed indignantly and sounding absolutely unapologetic as his arms tightened around Toshirou. "Here's Gin-san trying to show you his loving side and you just keep complaining!" The fucking idiot even clicked his tongue at him.

" _I'm_ ruining the moment? What about that time you demanded for me to sign up for life insurance, huh?!"

"You're still on about that?! I already apologized for that, didn't I?"

"Like hell you did!" He spat back irritably.

Toshirou tried not to think about that incident back then and how he'd gotten so worked up when Gintoki had spoken over the phone. _This asshole really knew how to ruin people's lives._ To distract himself from that embarrassing line of thought, he brought up his hands and proceeded to wrap them around the man's back. He felt Gintoki stiffen in his arms before the moron proceeded to lean his weight on him, making him stumble back a step.

_This freaking bastard is really pushing it!_

Though, he yelped when the man further pressed his bulk on him and they ended up toppling over the futon.

"Ow, goddamn it!" Toshirou cursed as his back took the brunt of the impact with this heavy moron sprawled mostly on top of him. "You're fucking heavy! Get off of me, asshole!" He growled as he tried to push him off which was hard with those arms still around him.

Also, he hated that he felt entirely conscious of the way Gintoki's body felt against his. At this rate, his face would combust from all the blood rushing to his head.

Thankfully, the idiot did get off of him however, he merely slid to the side and continued to pull Toshirou against his chest until they were both laying on their sides. _I'm gonna skewer this bastard, I swear to God._ Though, he froze when Gintoki brought a leg up and proceeded to drape it over the vice-commander's legs. At this position, he was surprised to note that it wasn't as uncomfortable as before.

"This isn't so bad, right?" came the bastard's thoughtful voice.

Toshirou couldn't remember being ever held by anyone like this. Sighing in resignation and fervently ignoring the blush no doubt adorning his face, he settled his arm around Gintoki's waist. It was a bit awkward, to be honest, as he'd never done things like this before with anyone.

But he didn't hate it.

"Hey," Gintoki called on quietly from somewhere above Toshirou's head. "What made you stay in this marriage?"

Toshirou blinked at the question.

It was something that they hadn't gotten to really talk about after all, like how most things tended to end between them. They just decided it wasn't as bad as they thought it would be and here they were, as simple as that. So, the fact that Gintoki was suddenly asking felt a little surprising and it wasn't like Toshirou hadn't really wondered about it because he'd put a lot of thought into it ever since the day he started living here.

"If you answer first, I'll tell you." He spoke blandly, leaving no room for argument in his voice.

"Hey, I asked you first!" Gintoki complained.

"Well, if you don't want to tell me, that's fine." Toshirou tried to sound as disinterested as he could, thankful for the hug they were still in because the idiot wouldn't be able to see the vindictive grin on his face.

At that, silence permeated the room.

Some part of him wondered if he'd pushed it too far. Considering all the headache this man gave him, he thought that it was a small price to pay. But he figured that it was the only way he'd get a straight answer from this perm-headed bastard because if he told him something shitty like that time with the hostage incident again, Toshirou had no reason to give him a straight answer either. It was a clear-cut deal.

Gintoki sighed.

"Well, we made it work, didn't we?" was the rather annoyed response. _Was he embarrassed?_ "An old hag said that marrying someone means wanting to spend your life with them. I don't mind if it's you, I guess, since I've always wondered if things between us would ever really work out. So, to come this far and just suddenly let go of it all, that's just the worst, you know?"

"Is it?" Toshirou murmured.

When he wasn't being an idiot, Gintoki could surprisingly sound deep.

"Yeah," came the strained reply. "Now, what about _you_?" Gintoki demanded.

"Well, I don't know–" He dawdled, just to be a bastard about it.

The silver haired man pulled back to glare at him, whole face red. The man _was_ embarrassed, good to know.

"Hey!"

Toshirou snorted. "It's just something that I figured out, that's all." This was the man that he'd followed for _two fucking years_ and it had taken being accidentally married to his ass to finally realize why he had gone so far for him.

"That's it?" Gintoki's mouth fell open, looking stupefied.

"That's it." He answered unhesitatingly.

"Oi, that can't be it, right? You're joking, right? _Right?_ " The silver-haired man insisted as he seized Toshirou by the shoulders, shaking him frantically. "This is revenge for that time, isn't it? Look, Gin-san was sorry, okay? That was all Souichirou-kun's fault. I did sneak in some mayonnaise for you back at the hospital, didn't I? So, you have to tell me what you figured out–" Gintoki continued babbling so Toshirou cut him off with a hand to his mouth.

Seriously, why did it have to be this man out of all people again?

That's right. Because he's an idiot too.

"If I'm going to stay married, I figured that it's going to be with the person I love." Toshirou's voice didn't waver in the slightest but his heart was beating a mile per minute as he continued. "It's as simple as that." He watched as those eyes widened steadily by the second.

Their marriage had been a sham to begin with but Toshirou, for that little moment, had been part of Sakata Gintoki's family and that, more than anything else, was true enough.

"Hmmm-mmph–?" His hand over Gintoki's mouth muffled his words.

Toshirou rolled his eyes.

The moment he removed his hand though, instead of saying anything, Gintoki merely leaned forward and placed his lips against Toshirou's. He froze at the unexpected action and his hand twitched at the instinctive urge to unleash a torrent of violence. However, Toshirou decided to trust in whatever this was and closed his eyes. He didn't know who made the first move because, in a second, the kiss had deepened and their lips were moving.

By the time they separated, they were both breathing a bit heavily as Gintoki leaned his forehead towards his.

"Now, can we sleep?" The man punctuated this question with a yawn.

Ugh, now he was so damn glad that Kagura and Sadaharu had slept over at the Shimura's.

"Fine, you win." Toshirou finally conceded as he squinted at the still existing brightness in the room. "But turn off the lights first."

"What?" A squawk. "No, you do it!"

"I swear–"

**oOo**

The next day, Toshirou was woken up by the sounds of violence, Gintoki's choked cry, and Kagura yelling about perverts with Shinpachi's dismayed voice in the background.

Just a typical morning in the Yorozuya household.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dedicate this bonus chapter to my lovely readers who've supported this fic. It's a short one but I still hope you like it. Also, thank you for the greetings guys! I'm so thankful! So, here's something for you.


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